There were some challenges during those high school years. However, there were also some benefits. Starting high school also meant starting early morning seminary (church sponsored religious classes).
Seminary started at 6:00 a.m. which meant getting tired kids up no later than 5:15 a.m., fixing breakfast, (which was often not eaten), packing lunches, and driving them to the church where the classes were held. Because I had to drive them to school, it was not worth driving home and coming back in forty-five minutes, I just stayed. For a while there were Institute classes (adult religious classes) held at the same time in the same church, which I would attend. They didn't last too long because (I think) they were not too well attended, so it wasn't worth an instructor having to get up so early. So to make use of the time I began walking and listening to tapes that Jim brought home from work on my "Walkman". What is/was a Walkman? and what tapes did I listen to?
A "Walkman" was a small portable audio tape machine ... remember those small plastic reel to reel tapes and the players you needed to play them? They came with head phones that could be attached to the player so you could listen while walking or running. The sound was incredibly wonderful. I had a lot of music and church talks on tapes to listen to (I still have a bunch of them). But my favorite ones were a series of tapes Jim used when teaching at his work called
The walking enabled be to exercise every day - something II also used some of that time to begin keeping a journal. I never had been very good at that and still am not. But because of things that were happening in my life at that time (I will explain in a later post), I felt prompted and motivated to begin writing. That writing began after the twins had started seminary.
When as seniors in high school both Jeanie and Debbie were honored as Conejo Valley debutants. When the word "debutante" comes to mind we think of "high society"and usually wealthy parents honoring the "coming out" into the society of their eighteen year old female offspring. This was not why debutantes in Thousand Oaks were honored. They were chosen because of their service to their high school as well as in the community during their high school years. Grades paid a part as well. They were recognized and honored at a special public program held at a local event center. Yes, the girls had to wear white long dresses, but not the thousand dollar kind. That would never have happened in my world. I believe each of the girls made their own dresses.
By the time Jeanie graduated and went off to BYU, the twins had
Friday, December 7, 2018
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Boys, Short Skirts, and Jeans, Oh My!
Jeanie, Debbie, and Kathi were now in high school - Jeanie a senior, Debbie a junior, and Kathi a freshman, having graduated from middle school as valedictorian. Although I'm trying to make this blog my life story, this might be a good place to write about several experiences the girls had which affected me as well. In some cases it was my doing that caused them.
When Jeanie started high school jeans were becoming the common and popular popular style for girls. Yes, that was denim blue jeans which had been worn by boys for years. The new girl styles had no zipper. Although girls had been wearing pants and pedal pushers for a while around the house or when working, I had even been resisting those. I wanted my girls to dress like girls. That meant skirts and dresses. You have to remember that being eighty four years old as I am writing this, puts me in a whole different generation, even in the 70's, when my older girls were in high school. I finally yielded and let the girls wear dress pants or pant suits to school. It wasn't long before I yielded to jeans ... only they had to be colored ones, not blue jeans. (They were making white, red, pink jeans for girls at this time. They would still wear skirts off and on. But now if you chose to wear skirts they had to be the mini ones if you wanted to be like your peers. Mini skirts were above the knee ... quite a bit above the knee. They were a no no in my home. You can understand that I was not a very popular mother! How did the girls deal with a strict mom? Each of them dealt in a different way ... kind of showing their individuality. Jeanie, the intellectual one, didn't really care about fashion or conforming to style. Her peer group of friends were other intellectuals known by fellow students as "nerds". They were happy in their world of math and science. Clothes were definitely not on their priority list. Debbie said, "I'm just going to be so nice and friendly to everyone that they won't care what I'm wearing. Kathi just rolled up her skirts when she got to school.
I was so proud of Jeanie when as a junior (I think) refused to read a book assigned by her English teacher. She started reading but realized the subject and language of that book was very offensive to her values. The teacher's response to that declaration was, "You read it or you will fail this class." You have to understand that grades were very important to Jeanie. She was working towards a scholarship after graduation. So far she had a 4.0 GPA. Before we were even aware of this problem, Jeanie had gone to her counselor to seek redress. Working with the teacher and the counselor, it was decided that she could not be failed for not reading, but she still would have to take the test on that book and her score would count toward her grade. She agreed to this decision saying, "I'll just do so well in every other test I take in that class that when the averaged in with that one low grade it won't matter. And she did! Reluctantly the teacher had to give her and A in that class. The great result of this incident was that the school from then on required all English classes to offer an alternative book to the one that had been required for years. The book she refused to read? "Catcher on the Rye". And Jeanie did achieve her goal of graduating as valedictorian.
Of a course with high school come first "boy friends. Sixteen was the age that we let the girls begin dating. Jeanie did not date that much. Her "boy friends" were friends who enjoyed intellectual pursuits, most of whom were boys. Boys were the ones usually into math and science. Most social events were usually not even their radar ... especially the boys. Jeanie was, and still is, a beautiful blonde. So looks was never a problem. She did have one real boyfriend in high friend who was not from her usual group of friends. I think it helped her realize there were actually left-brained people in this world who were also very cool. Debbie and Kathi (also really cute girls) had totally different personalities. Debbie was very outgoing, friendly, and involved in school and community activities. Being on the gymnastics team, working in student government, and as a volunteer for a national presidential campaign were just a few of her involvements. And she was never lacking for dates. She never did have a serious boyfriend, however. We were thankful for that. One of the great traumatic events in her life involved a boy from Woodland Hills. I don't remember how they met, but this was a very special date that she was so excited about. She had been invited to "Grad Night" at Disneyland. The week before she had started to cough a lot and wasn't feeling very well although she would never admit it. We took her to the doctor the day before the trip. He diagnosed her with "walking pneumonia" and no way should she be staying out all night in those crowds at Disneyland. We had to tell her she couldn't go. As you can imagine, she was devastated. She spent that night in her room crying. Dad finally gave her a tranquilizer to calm her down and and to help her "feel better". Her response was, "I don't want to feel better". I don't think she has ever gotten over that. On another date she came home "late" telling us that her date had forgotten his watch so they lost track of time. Before she left on the next date with the same person, Jim took off his watch and handed it to her date. I'm sure Debbie was mortified as her date responded, "I have my own watch tonight, Brother Mortensen". Another time Jim asked a young man where they were going and at what time they would be home. When he answered they were going to the beach, Jim answered that the returning time was too late for the beach - that there was nothing acceptable to do at the beach after dark. It is a wonder that any of our girls ever got married.
Kathi was still a freshman at this time but the boys were already lining up waiting for her to turn sixteen. She was a pretty girl, smart (she had a photographic memory), not focused that much on grades, very athletic and loved to be part of her peer group, even if it meant skipping school now and then. She signed my name on student information cards (I never saw those cards) so it would match any excuse notes she wrote herself for absences. I think it was about a year before I "caught on". I was a little anxious about her becoming dating age, but I knew it would be inevitable. It would be a continuing custom for quite a while to always set an extra place at the dinner table. Somehow that would always be the time that the boys showed up to see one of the girls. I wonder why? I have to mention one more thing about dating that the girls hated. Their dad had secret security status at his work which enabled him to do background checks. When one of the girls started dating someone new, he would look up the name of his parents and check it out (probably illegal). He would then tell our daughter a lot about his family before they even went out. They would always ask, "How do you know?" It was quite a while before they actually found out what he was doing.
Oh the "joys" of parents during those high school years!!!!
When Jeanie started high school jeans were becoming the common and popular popular style for girls. Yes, that was denim blue jeans which had been worn by boys for years. The new girl styles had no zipper. Although girls had been wearing pants and pedal pushers for a while around the house or when working, I had even been resisting those. I wanted my girls to dress like girls. That meant skirts and dresses. You have to remember that being eighty four years old as I am writing this, puts me in a whole different generation, even in the 70's, when my older girls were in high school. I finally yielded and let the girls wear dress pants or pant suits to school. It wasn't long before I yielded to jeans ... only they had to be colored ones, not blue jeans. (They were making white, red, pink jeans for girls at this time. They would still wear skirts off and on. But now if you chose to wear skirts they had to be the mini ones if you wanted to be like your peers. Mini skirts were above the knee ... quite a bit above the knee. They were a no no in my home. You can understand that I was not a very popular mother! How did the girls deal with a strict mom? Each of them dealt in a different way ... kind of showing their individuality. Jeanie, the intellectual one, didn't really care about fashion or conforming to style. Her peer group of friends were other intellectuals known by fellow students as "nerds". They were happy in their world of math and science. Clothes were definitely not on their priority list. Debbie said, "I'm just going to be so nice and friendly to everyone that they won't care what I'm wearing. Kathi just rolled up her skirts when she got to school.
I was so proud of Jeanie when as a junior (I think) refused to read a book assigned by her English teacher. She started reading but realized the subject and language of that book was very offensive to her values. The teacher's response to that declaration was, "You read it or you will fail this class." You have to understand that grades were very important to Jeanie. She was working towards a scholarship after graduation. So far she had a 4.0 GPA. Before we were even aware of this problem, Jeanie had gone to her counselor to seek redress. Working with the teacher and the counselor, it was decided that she could not be failed for not reading, but she still would have to take the test on that book and her score would count toward her grade. She agreed to this decision saying, "I'll just do so well in every other test I take in that class that when the averaged in with that one low grade it won't matter. And she did! Reluctantly the teacher had to give her and A in that class. The great result of this incident was that the school from then on required all English classes to offer an alternative book to the one that had been required for years. The book she refused to read? "Catcher on the Rye". And Jeanie did achieve her goal of graduating as valedictorian.
Of a course with high school come first "boy friends. Sixteen was the age that we let the girls begin dating. Jeanie did not date that much. Her "boy friends" were friends who enjoyed intellectual pursuits, most of whom were boys. Boys were the ones usually into math and science. Most social events were usually not even their radar ... especially the boys. Jeanie was, and still is, a beautiful blonde. So looks was never a problem. She did have one real boyfriend in high friend who was not from her usual group of friends. I think it helped her realize there were actually left-brained people in this world who were also very cool. Debbie and Kathi (also really cute girls) had totally different personalities. Debbie was very outgoing, friendly, and involved in school and community activities. Being on the gymnastics team, working in student government, and as a volunteer for a national presidential campaign were just a few of her involvements. And she was never lacking for dates. She never did have a serious boyfriend, however. We were thankful for that. One of the great traumatic events in her life involved a boy from Woodland Hills. I don't remember how they met, but this was a very special date that she was so excited about. She had been invited to "Grad Night" at Disneyland. The week before she had started to cough a lot and wasn't feeling very well although she would never admit it. We took her to the doctor the day before the trip. He diagnosed her with "walking pneumonia" and no way should she be staying out all night in those crowds at Disneyland. We had to tell her she couldn't go. As you can imagine, she was devastated. She spent that night in her room crying. Dad finally gave her a tranquilizer to calm her down and and to help her "feel better". Her response was, "I don't want to feel better". I don't think she has ever gotten over that. On another date she came home "late" telling us that her date had forgotten his watch so they lost track of time. Before she left on the next date with the same person, Jim took off his watch and handed it to her date. I'm sure Debbie was mortified as her date responded, "I have my own watch tonight, Brother Mortensen". Another time Jim asked a young man where they were going and at what time they would be home. When he answered they were going to the beach, Jim answered that the returning time was too late for the beach - that there was nothing acceptable to do at the beach after dark. It is a wonder that any of our girls ever got married.
Kathi was still a freshman at this time but the boys were already lining up waiting for her to turn sixteen. She was a pretty girl, smart (she had a photographic memory), not focused that much on grades, very athletic and loved to be part of her peer group, even if it meant skipping school now and then. She signed my name on student information cards (I never saw those cards) so it would match any excuse notes she wrote herself for absences. I think it was about a year before I "caught on". I was a little anxious about her becoming dating age, but I knew it would be inevitable. It would be a continuing custom for quite a while to always set an extra place at the dinner table. Somehow that would always be the time that the boys showed up to see one of the girls. I wonder why? I have to mention one more thing about dating that the girls hated. Their dad had secret security status at his work which enabled him to do background checks. When one of the girls started dating someone new, he would look up the name of his parents and check it out (probably illegal). He would then tell our daughter a lot about his family before they even went out. They would always ask, "How do you know?" It was quite a while before they actually found out what he was doing.
Oh the "joys" of parents during those high school years!!!!
"Let's Go Out to Dinner" - The Four P's
Now to get back to where I was before I was prompted to write the last two posts. Our family had grown to nine with the birth of Lea. She was about 2 years old, Jon had just started school, the twins were just starting junior high school, and the three older girls were all in high school. Needless to say I was keeping pretty busy doing what all full-time moms do ... chaffering, cooking, doing laundry, (lots of that), cleaning, packing lots of lunches, helping with homework, planning weekly family home evenings - a top priority (Jim wasn't much help), attending the kid's programs at school, going to parent-teacher conferences, working in the PTA, helping with science projects, canning fruit and vegetables, etc. etc. Of course there were all the usual teenage "drama" with three girls in high school. Things were a little crazier than normal because of the wide age span between all the children. Each age has its' own problems and challenges.
Jim was still serving in the bishopric, working hard to support his growing family. He never wanted me to have to work, and neither did I. I was willing to sacrifice luxuries and to be frugal with necessities so I could stay home and raise the family. I felt that that was what God wanted me to do.
So it was of considerable concern when Jim came home after work one night and announced to the family that he had been laid off from his job. The whole economy was struggling at that time and there were a lot of layoffs going on in the job market. I was so proud of Jim when he gave us the news with a smile on his face. He dispelled any doom and gloom among the family members by saying, "Don't worry. I'll find a job. Now let's all go out to dinner". Going out to dinner was a special treat for the kids because we didn't do that very much (maybe McDonalds once in a while). It was expensive to take our large family to a regular restaurant. So out we went!
Finding a job was a lot more difficult than Jim expected even though he would really work at it. He would get up every morning at the same time he was used to to go to work. He would get dressed as ingoing to work (white shirt and tie ...he was an engineer), read the want ads in the paper circling any possibilities no matter how remote, look on line for any other possibilities, ask anyone he knew in the engineering field to let him know if there were openings they might be aware of and network as much as he could. Weeks turned into months and it wasn't long before his separation pay was used up ... even though the bishop had asked him to use the money we had to pay the bills and to take church welfare aid for food. We were very hesitant to do that. We had always been self-sustaining. But the bishop said he wanted his ward to see that even ward leaders may need help at times, and that was ok.
It was necessary to eliminate any "luxuries" from our life like trips or vacations, Debbie's dance lessons, movies, dinners out, etc.
After about six months, Jim took a job in Azusa - not an ideal job nor in an ideal location. It was a two-hour drive from Thousand Oaks - no freeways. But it once again brought in an income. Our severance pay had run out. Jim suffered through those four hours in the car every day while still looking for a better job. It was real torture for him for the next four months. Then his persistence and prayer paid off when he was able to get a job at Litton in Woodland Hills just twenty minutes away. God does give us trials AND blessings, The lessons learned during this trial were: positive attitude (dinner out), patience, persistence, prayers answered - the four "P's.
Jim was still serving in the bishopric, working hard to support his growing family. He never wanted me to have to work, and neither did I. I was willing to sacrifice luxuries and to be frugal with necessities so I could stay home and raise the family. I felt that that was what God wanted me to do.
So it was of considerable concern when Jim came home after work one night and announced to the family that he had been laid off from his job. The whole economy was struggling at that time and there were a lot of layoffs going on in the job market. I was so proud of Jim when he gave us the news with a smile on his face. He dispelled any doom and gloom among the family members by saying, "Don't worry. I'll find a job. Now let's all go out to dinner". Going out to dinner was a special treat for the kids because we didn't do that very much (maybe McDonalds once in a while). It was expensive to take our large family to a regular restaurant. So out we went!
Finding a job was a lot more difficult than Jim expected even though he would really work at it. He would get up every morning at the same time he was used to to go to work. He would get dressed as ingoing to work (white shirt and tie ...he was an engineer), read the want ads in the paper circling any possibilities no matter how remote, look on line for any other possibilities, ask anyone he knew in the engineering field to let him know if there were openings they might be aware of and network as much as he could. Weeks turned into months and it wasn't long before his separation pay was used up ... even though the bishop had asked him to use the money we had to pay the bills and to take church welfare aid for food. We were very hesitant to do that. We had always been self-sustaining. But the bishop said he wanted his ward to see that even ward leaders may need help at times, and that was ok.
It was necessary to eliminate any "luxuries" from our life like trips or vacations, Debbie's dance lessons, movies, dinners out, etc.
After about six months, Jim took a job in Azusa - not an ideal job nor in an ideal location. It was a two-hour drive from Thousand Oaks - no freeways. But it once again brought in an income. Our severance pay had run out. Jim suffered through those four hours in the car every day while still looking for a better job. It was real torture for him for the next four months. Then his persistence and prayer paid off when he was able to get a job at Litton in Woodland Hills just twenty minutes away. God does give us trials AND blessings, The lessons learned during this trial were: positive attitude (dinner out), patience, persistence, prayers answered - the four "P's.
Friday, October 5, 2018
The Savior's Hand in my Life
It has taken a lifetime and a huge amount of hind sight to see how and when the Lord has been there to teach, to give me experience, to help me do difficult things, and support me when I was ready to just give up. It has been since I began reviewing and reflecting on my life that I began to see a pattern of personal progression that directly related to my prayers for help, my making a concerted effort to draw closer to the Savior, to listen to promptings from the Holy Ghost, and to the many assignments and "callings" I have received over the years. It has taken all these years to put he pieces of this puzzle together to see the picture of my life ... what my purpose in this life has been, and how Christ helped me realize that my disability was not who I was or who I could become. Following are some of these puzzle pieces I finally put all together.
Choosing Jim Mortensen to be my eternal companion
Prayers answered when I was a child
I learned at a young age that Heavenly Father was real ... that he did hear and answer prayers.
So when I wasn't sure if I were marrying Jim for the right reason, God answered my prayer by
confirming that choice. He knew whom I would need as a life long companion because he knew jim would be faithful through a difficult relationship. He knew me. He knew Jim.
Choosing Jim Mortensen to be my eternal companion
Why was this so important? I'll explain. Before I was married, I had not received a diagnosis of clinical depression. I had had a lot of symptoms but thought that I was only "different" from others my age. I guess I would have have been classified as a "nerd" back then. I was intelligent but I really didn't recognize that. I was expected to do well in school, and I tried to live up to that expectation. I didn't have many friends and hardly any dates through High school. I had low self esteem. It was hard for me to relate to people, and I always felt that no one could ever love me. I felt unlovable. When Jim showed an interest in me in high school and again when he graduated I first felt that this would be my only chance to be married. Over the next few years I fell in love ... real love mostly through our letters while he was over seas in the Air Force. We were married when he came home. Why was this so important to me? Because for the first time I felt loved! (except from my parents) The story of how we first met was in itself an unlikely occurrence, so I knew it had to be with divine intervention. And even more important was the fact that Jim has always so loving and committed to me that he stuck with me during all those years when my depression would show its' ugly symptoms. I honestly think that there are very few men who could live 64 years with any woman who had episodes of depression that were many times directed at him. He was one of those few. And I still feel loved to this day. God has guided us through this marriage, and I 'm looking forward to eternity with him when the depression will be gone.
God's faith and trust in me, in spite of my major disability, by placing eight of His precious children in my care with the responsibility of helping them be prepared to return home to Him
It was on a trip with five our children when we stopped at hotel kind of late in the evening to get something to eat. The hotel was the only place in town that we could find a restaurant that was still open. We were all eating when we noticed as couple at another table watching us. I looked at all the children to make sure they weren't doing something weird or gross as children can sometimes do while eating. To my surprise, they were actually being very civil ... and relatively quiet. I guess they were a little tired. Anyway, as the couple were walking out they stopped by our table and said: "What beautiful children. And they are so well behaved". I swallowed hard and said, "Thank you". Immediately after that there came a voice in my mind that said: "This is your earthly mission ... to raise an exemplary family". That word "exemplary" stood out to me. What did that mean? I knew from that day on what I was put here on earth to do. And I knew I was going to need help. God knew it, too, because He knew of the problems I would continue to have even if I didn't at that time. So the rest of my life, as you will see, He was there to tutor and prepare me for that task. I knew I would have to somehow control or hide all those dark feelings and negative impulses I would have at times from the children. I wanted them to only see a happy mom who loved, taught and cared for them. That was my life!
My calls to serve in a number of different "callings" over the years which I now know were inspired.
You might notice how these assignments, which I reluctantly accepted, became my schooling and therapy to help me overcome, or just deal with, my many negative feelings and actions when depression would set in. Can you see what the different experiences (actually they were opportunities) required of me? Each one forced me to take another step forward. These callings, was I have said, were my therapy, my schooling. I'm sure if you had been in my shoes you could imagine how each one in could help you overcome those negative symptoms I listed in the last post. These are the callings I have had over the years (those that I can remember):
It was on a trip with five our children when we stopped at hotel kind of late in the evening to get something to eat. The hotel was the only place in town that we could find a restaurant that was still open. We were all eating when we noticed as couple at another table watching us. I looked at all the children to make sure they weren't doing something weird or gross as children can sometimes do while eating. To my surprise, they were actually being very civil ... and relatively quiet. I guess they were a little tired. Anyway, as the couple were walking out they stopped by our table and said: "What beautiful children. And they are so well behaved". I swallowed hard and said, "Thank you". Immediately after that there came a voice in my mind that said: "This is your earthly mission ... to raise an exemplary family". That word "exemplary" stood out to me. What did that mean? I knew from that day on what I was put here on earth to do. And I knew I was going to need help. God knew it, too, because He knew of the problems I would continue to have even if I didn't at that time. So the rest of my life, as you will see, He was there to tutor and prepare me for that task. I knew I would have to somehow control or hide all those dark feelings and negative impulses I would have at times from the children. I wanted them to only see a happy mom who loved, taught and cared for them. That was my life!
My calls to serve in a number of different "callings" over the years which I now know were inspired.
You might notice how these assignments, which I reluctantly accepted, became my schooling and therapy to help me overcome, or just deal with, my many negative feelings and actions when depression would set in. Can you see what the different experiences (actually they were opportunities) required of me? Each one forced me to take another step forward. These callings, was I have said, were my therapy, my schooling. I'm sure if you had been in my shoes you could imagine how each one in could help you overcome those negative symptoms I listed in the last post. These are the callings I have had over the years (those that I can remember):
- Sunday School teacher - 5 yr. old children (Primary was during the week)
- Counselor in Young Women's organization (very short time)
- Primary teacher 9 yr. old girls (Merrie Miss)
- Primary teacher - 3 year old (Sunbeams)
- Primary chorister _ No, I wasn't a musician, but I could read music
- Primary teacher - 11 yr. old boys
- Relief Society teacher - Literature, Theology, Spiritual Living
- Primary President
- Stake Primary scout leader
- Relief Society counselor - three different times
- Early morning seminary teacher - 5 years
- Admissions Advisor for BYU - southern California
- Relief Society president
- Stake Relief Society president
- Two year mission with my husband to Moorpark Institute of Religion
- Visiting Teacher (ministering) for over fifty years
- Young Women's secretary when I was 75 years old. I have to laugh at this one because I had said numerous times that the one calling I never ever wanted was to be a secretary ... of anything. Well, I think the Lord must have thought, "You aren't going to get out of this world without the experience of being a secretary. I'll bet He was laughing, too.
- I know I am loved.
- I know I have worth, talents, and capabilities.
- I have less fears in social situations - can communicate intelligibly though with some anxiety still.
- I can be a leader if I surround myself with strong and capable people whom I can depend on if or when some of those depressive tendencies creep up on me.
- I am good at organizing, but still struggle with implementing my plans without help.
- I usually can control or change my feelings of sadness, irritability or anger. But they do sneak up on me from time to time. (I'm afraid Jim takes the brunt of things when it happens). But he has learned SO well how to be kind and forgiving when it happens. He has learned to say, "I know this isn't you. It's the depression.
- I still have trouble with thinking clearly, concentrating, and forgetfulness, but I blame those things on old age.
- I do not have thoughts of suicide, but God knows I am ready to die whenever He feels it is my time. I have no fear of death.
- I still have sleeping problems, but now I don't think it is because of depression. I just had a sleep study which I hope will identify the causes. (No results, yet).
- I accept my weakness and shortcomings without guilt. I just repent and keep working.
Monday, October 1, 2018
Weak Things Can Become Strengths
I don't even know how to begin this post. When (and if) you ever read this you will wonder why I am departing from the continuity of my l last post. All I can tell you is that I have been having this constant feeling ever since I was prompted to go back to writing. That feeling was regarding what my next blog should be. I just kept ignoring it because it didn't make sense to me why I should put the discovery of how the Savior has worked in my life in the middle of my life's story. I intended to use this near the end. After writing the last three posts, that feeling became even stronger ... " Write that experience NOW!" Maybe I will never get to the end of my history in this blog, and God wants my personal testimony written down. Maybe my eyesight will fail even more. Maybe my brain will complete go to pot. Or maybe it will be my hands that will fail me. They already don't want to do what I want some of the time. I never was a great typist and if I lose more of my limited ability I may not be able type in the short future. Whatever the reason, I will listen to the Spirit and and do what He "says". So here goes:
This experience has been a part of my life beginning in my early thirties. That was when I began wondering why I felt depressed quite frequently. I am aware that everyone gets depressed off and on in their lives brought on by a traumatic event, discouragement, or just plain stress. I wasn't too concerned at the time because it would go away after a few days. When it would happen I'd try to think of some reason why I felt depressed, but most of the time I couldn't think of anything. So I just went on with my life, trying to keep a smile on my face, doing all my daily chores as best I could and trying to hide my feelings from the children. This went on for quite a while until the episodes would last longer and be more frequent.
I decided to get an appointment with our family doctor, Dr. Fingerle, whom I really loved and trusted. I had been hearing of a new antidepressant drug called prozac and hoped that it might help me. Dr. Fingerle gave me a prescription which I took faithfully for a month (or maybe longer). I felt no change in my feelings. Thinking this was the only drug available for depression I figured there was nothing else I could do. Remember that was over 50 years ago when mental health was seldom even discussed and if it was it would be with feelings of guilt or embarrassment. I got pretty good at holding everything in, putting on my "happy face" in spite of what I was feeling and waiting until I was alone to "lose it" which meant doing a lot of crying.
Fast forward about 30 years when my daughter was having some major trauma in her life and had a near "breakdown". She was smart enough to see a psychiatrist who gave her some medication called zoloft which really helped her. Knowing that I had been suffering for years from depression she talked me into seeing Dr. Azad, the psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with clinical depression which is a major depressive disorder. You don't just "snap out" of this kind of depression. I found out that there are many different medications for depression available. But there is no test to see what works for you. It is by trial and error to find the right one. After a number of trials they finally came up with one that worked for me. I could really tell a difference when I took that medication. I have been on it ever since. I have also attended counseling on and off when I had bad episodes and needed extra help.
I just want to list the symptoms which occur most of the day, nearly every day when you have one of these "down" episodes just so you know what I have had to go through many times.
and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I know now why I have loved that scripture for such a long time. I'm ending this post here because it is getting so long. My next post will continue on by telling just how the Lord taught and prepared me to have a productive and happier life in spite of this major disability. So tune in!
This experience has been a part of my life beginning in my early thirties. That was when I began wondering why I felt depressed quite frequently. I am aware that everyone gets depressed off and on in their lives brought on by a traumatic event, discouragement, or just plain stress. I wasn't too concerned at the time because it would go away after a few days. When it would happen I'd try to think of some reason why I felt depressed, but most of the time I couldn't think of anything. So I just went on with my life, trying to keep a smile on my face, doing all my daily chores as best I could and trying to hide my feelings from the children. This went on for quite a while until the episodes would last longer and be more frequent.
I decided to get an appointment with our family doctor, Dr. Fingerle, whom I really loved and trusted. I had been hearing of a new antidepressant drug called prozac and hoped that it might help me. Dr. Fingerle gave me a prescription which I took faithfully for a month (or maybe longer). I felt no change in my feelings. Thinking this was the only drug available for depression I figured there was nothing else I could do. Remember that was over 50 years ago when mental health was seldom even discussed and if it was it would be with feelings of guilt or embarrassment. I got pretty good at holding everything in, putting on my "happy face" in spite of what I was feeling and waiting until I was alone to "lose it" which meant doing a lot of crying.
Fast forward about 30 years when my daughter was having some major trauma in her life and had a near "breakdown". She was smart enough to see a psychiatrist who gave her some medication called zoloft which really helped her. Knowing that I had been suffering for years from depression she talked me into seeing Dr. Azad, the psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with clinical depression which is a major depressive disorder. You don't just "snap out" of this kind of depression. I found out that there are many different medications for depression available. But there is no test to see what works for you. It is by trial and error to find the right one. After a number of trials they finally came up with one that worked for me. I could really tell a difference when I took that medication. I have been on it ever since. I have also attended counseling on and off when I had bad episodes and needed extra help.
I just want to list the symptoms which occur most of the day, nearly every day when you have one of these "down" episodes just so you know what I have had to go through many times.
- feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
- angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration, even over small matters
- loss of interest or pleasure in most normal activities
- sleep disturbances
- tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
- reduced appetite or increased cravings
- anxiety, agitation or restlessness
- slowed thinking
- feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things
- frequent or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
- physical problems (back pain, headaches)
and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I know now why I have loved that scripture for such a long time. I'm ending this post here because it is getting so long. My next post will continue on by telling just how the Lord taught and prepared me to have a productive and happier life in spite of this major disability. So tune in!
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Women Aren't Welcome Here
It's amazing (but maybe very common in the church) how fast we can adjust to change even when that change comes much sooner than we may expect. I was comfortable teaching the boys in Primary each week and Relief Society once a month. Maybe that was the problem. I was getting too comfortable. But I wasn't quite ready for an extreme change. I was called to be Primary president. I just couldn't see myself being a leader ... of anything. I had been a counselor before in several other organizations but never president. I have always been uncomfortable interacting with people, but I learned to handle smaller numbers. And I did enjoy teaching because it gave me the opportunity to learn. You've heard it said that a teacher learns more than her/his students. That is so true. I had learned how the scouting program works and I had two boys coming up who would soon be in that organization, so that knowledge would be very helpful. Teaching doctrinal lessons in Relief Society helped me to better understand the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm sure I would learn additional skills (specifically leadership skills and how to survive working with large groups of people even if most of them would be children). I did love children and had had some experience with my own "gaggle" of them. So I just dove in and tried to let the Spirit guide me as to what I should do. About my only achievement was organizing for the first time a centralized filing system for visual aids to be used for each class. Before, each teacher received a packet of aids for her class that came from Salt Lake. The aids would get lost over the year and would have to be re-ordered. Now they would check out what they needed each week and then return them to our central primary "library". It worked out great. Wouldn't you know, the next year the church changed its' library system to include all visual aids. We had the idea first. (not really).
When Jim was called into the bishopric of our ward, I was customarily released from Primary. But because I had had experience now with scouting and the primary program I was quickly grabbed up by the stake Primary. Back in those days the stake primary presidency include a scout leader. That was my calling. I was called to be the scout director for the Primary. As I mentioned previously, not only were the cub scouts under the direction of the Primary but also the Guide Patrol, the 11year old regular scouts. But now they wanted me to get the same formal training as prospective scout masters. I think they thought that would give me more "legitimacy" when training new scout leaders in the Primary. That was part of my new calling. This was really intimidating because most of the leaders of the 11 year old scouts were men. And ... women had never been included in district held Scout Master training.
You should have seen the look on the faces of those aspiring Scout Masters when I walked into that class that first night. They told me that I was in the wrong class on the wrong night ... that cub scout training was on a different night. When I said I wasn't here for Cubs ... that I was here for Scout Master training, some men started laughing while the teacher of the group politely informed me that women were not allowed to be Scout Masters. Even when I tried to explain how the LDS program of scouting worked, and that I would only be teaching scouting skills, he hesitantly let me stay while he "looked into the matter'.
The first thing I realized was that I needed a uniform. But only blue Den Mother's ones were available. So I made a skirt in the proper color, bought a a size "small" mens shirt, and added the necessary scout masters decals. At that first meeting we were divided into patrols. Of course nobody wanted me in their patrol. When I offered to make the patrol flag for any patrol that would take me, I received several offers. I don't think they really thought I would follow through or even show up at the next meeting because I had been so humiliated . But show up I did with the most awesome flag of any other patrol. I was now getting my foot in the door. Each meeting after that I brought homemade cookies, cinnamon rolls, and speciality cakes and breads. I volunteered to make or bring anything my patrol was assigned. By now my petrol loved me and all the rest were jealous. I finished my training and still have a certificate to prove it. I still may be the only trained woman "Scout Master" in the church.
I was now also responsible for the Cub Scout program in our stake. That included organizing and carrying out a yearly day camp for these boys. When I tried to find some guidelines for these camps or perhaps someone who knew what had been done in the past, I came up empty. So I had to start from scratch. I talked to other stakes, to mothers of cubs and to my fellow presidency members. All they could tell me was that it was different every year. So..... I developed my own ideas as to what a day camp should be for young aspiring scouts. And I did put all my plans, including maps and names of potential qualified and experienced men that could be asked to help into book form. At least there would be one reference book that could be used another year. I later learned that that book became the standard guide for all future day camps in that stake. I'm not bragging. I just realized that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ uses whatever talents we my have to further Their work. I am an organizer. I love order and I love to organize things .... anything. Just ask Jim. He hates it!!!
One of the perks of this calling was that once a year I was able to go to Salt Lake at conference time where they gave training sessions during the week before conference for all stake leaders of all the various organizations in the church. I don't remember how I was able to get away from family responsibilities in order to go, but I really did enjoy being with all the sisters in these sessions. Oh, yes. nI just remembered that my older girls would have been in high school at this time so I had "built in" baby sitters.
When Jim was called into the bishopric of our ward, I was customarily released from Primary. But because I had had experience now with scouting and the primary program I was quickly grabbed up by the stake Primary. Back in those days the stake primary presidency include a scout leader. That was my calling. I was called to be the scout director for the Primary. As I mentioned previously, not only were the cub scouts under the direction of the Primary but also the Guide Patrol, the 11year old regular scouts. But now they wanted me to get the same formal training as prospective scout masters. I think they thought that would give me more "legitimacy" when training new scout leaders in the Primary. That was part of my new calling. This was really intimidating because most of the leaders of the 11 year old scouts were men. And ... women had never been included in district held Scout Master training.
You should have seen the look on the faces of those aspiring Scout Masters when I walked into that class that first night. They told me that I was in the wrong class on the wrong night ... that cub scout training was on a different night. When I said I wasn't here for Cubs ... that I was here for Scout Master training, some men started laughing while the teacher of the group politely informed me that women were not allowed to be Scout Masters. Even when I tried to explain how the LDS program of scouting worked, and that I would only be teaching scouting skills, he hesitantly let me stay while he "looked into the matter'.
The first thing I realized was that I needed a uniform. But only blue Den Mother's ones were available. So I made a skirt in the proper color, bought a a size "small" mens shirt, and added the necessary scout masters decals. At that first meeting we were divided into patrols. Of course nobody wanted me in their patrol. When I offered to make the patrol flag for any patrol that would take me, I received several offers. I don't think they really thought I would follow through or even show up at the next meeting because I had been so humiliated . But show up I did with the most awesome flag of any other patrol. I was now getting my foot in the door. Each meeting after that I brought homemade cookies, cinnamon rolls, and speciality cakes and breads. I volunteered to make or bring anything my patrol was assigned. By now my petrol loved me and all the rest were jealous. I finished my training and still have a certificate to prove it. I still may be the only trained woman "Scout Master" in the church.
I was now also responsible for the Cub Scout program in our stake. That included organizing and carrying out a yearly day camp for these boys. When I tried to find some guidelines for these camps or perhaps someone who knew what had been done in the past, I came up empty. So I had to start from scratch. I talked to other stakes, to mothers of cubs and to my fellow presidency members. All they could tell me was that it was different every year. So..... I developed my own ideas as to what a day camp should be for young aspiring scouts. And I did put all my plans, including maps and names of potential qualified and experienced men that could be asked to help into book form. At least there would be one reference book that could be used another year. I later learned that that book became the standard guide for all future day camps in that stake. I'm not bragging. I just realized that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ uses whatever talents we my have to further Their work. I am an organizer. I love order and I love to organize things .... anything. Just ask Jim. He hates it!!!
One of the perks of this calling was that once a year I was able to go to Salt Lake at conference time where they gave training sessions during the week before conference for all stake leaders of all the various organizations in the church. I don't remember how I was able to get away from family responsibilities in order to go, but I really did enjoy being with all the sisters in these sessions. Oh, yes. nI just remembered that my older girls would have been in high school at this time so I had "built in" baby sitters.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Life Brings Changes, Growth, and Humor
The next five years in Thousand Oaks brought many new experiences in my life which gave me opportunities to learn and grow. My main focus at this time was my family and trying to be a better mom. I worked harder at having quality Family Home Evenings. With seven children now ranging in age from a a new baby to those dreaded teenagers it was hard to reach them all. Jeanie and Debbie were now in high school having graduated from Waverly Junior High school (Jeanie was valedictorian. Kathi was in sixth grade and Jon had started kindergarten. That left me at home with just the baby for at least part of the day. This gave me an opportunity to attend the traveling "Education Weeks" which were held in California in areas where there were a large number of church members. They were kind of like the education weeks now held on the BYU campus every year only on a smaller scale. These usually lasted 2 or 3 days, and you could attend classes you were interested in. I loved these opportunities to learn more about the church. When one was being held in the San Fernando valley, about twenty miles from our home, I decided to take Lea and go. I packed her up in her carrier, took extra bottles just in case I couldn't find a time or place to nurse her, and took off for the day. I didn't know how this was going to work but I took a chance. I wasn't disappointed. Lea was SO good through all the classes so I was even able to take notes. Dad and I also took the opportunity to attend the monthly "Know Your Religion" series which were held in stake centers in the evening. I loved learning all I could about the church and my testimony grew from these opportunities.
A great tradition was established during those first years in Thousand Oaks. The bishop in our ward arranged a campout for the all the members of our ward Every summer he would reserve a camp sight at Lopez Lake, a resort about 150 miles away. We went that first year and every year after. But that was only the beginning. When the ward quit going, the Mortensens did not. Our family loved to camp, and as the resort grew and grew with boat rentals, waterslide, and slack lines added our family grew and grew with it. At first we would rent a "patio" boat for our family until it no longer held our growing family. We have been going every year to Lake Lopez for the past 48 years and counting.
Those now attending range from the 60 to 70. About ten years ago we buried a time capsule at the lake which we will did up on our 50th anniversary. I just hope I will still be around. I hope to do a whole posting on just our experiences at Lake Lopez over the years. So many wonderful memories.
I just have to include some humor in this post. I hate to read boring histories that are more like travelogues. So .... I cannot help but laugh even now when I recall this incident. It began when we decided to buy a few chicks with the idea of having our own eggs and even some home grown dinners. Dad had had a lot of experience killing and preparing chickens for eating in his youth. That last idea soon came to an end when the kids started naming all the chicks. I only remember one of those names which was, "Roadrunner". They loved playing games with the those chicks until they grew into hens and one rooster. It was that rooster who soon became a problem. He would roost at night in the tree in our back yard right in back of our bedroom. Do roosters crow early in the morning? Yes!! And sometimes all night. It was one of those "sometimes" nights that my husband could not sleep because that rooster would not stop crowing. I could only watch as he jumped out of bed, and dressed only in his underwear, he ran outside, climbed up that tree, grabbed the rooster by the neck, shook him violently five or six times while yelling, "shut up you dumb rooster" (or something even worse), then threw him to the ground. Needless to say that rooster ended up on our Sunday dinner table. The boys favorite part of this incident was when Dad chopped of the roosters head and talked him into letting go of its' legs. You don't have to guess why they thought that this was "cool".
A great tradition was established during those first years in Thousand Oaks. The bishop in our ward arranged a campout for the all the members of our ward Every summer he would reserve a camp sight at Lopez Lake, a resort about 150 miles away. We went that first year and every year after. But that was only the beginning. When the ward quit going, the Mortensens did not. Our family loved to camp, and as the resort grew and grew with boat rentals, waterslide, and slack lines added our family grew and grew with it. At first we would rent a "patio" boat for our family until it no longer held our growing family. We have been going every year to Lake Lopez for the past 48 years and counting.
Those now attending range from the 60 to 70. About ten years ago we buried a time capsule at the lake which we will did up on our 50th anniversary. I just hope I will still be around. I hope to do a whole posting on just our experiences at Lake Lopez over the years. So many wonderful memories.
I just have to include some humor in this post. I hate to read boring histories that are more like travelogues. So .... I cannot help but laugh even now when I recall this incident. It began when we decided to buy a few chicks with the idea of having our own eggs and even some home grown dinners. Dad had had a lot of experience killing and preparing chickens for eating in his youth. That last idea soon came to an end when the kids started naming all the chicks. I only remember one of those names which was, "Roadrunner". They loved playing games with the those chicks until they grew into hens and one rooster. It was that rooster who soon became a problem. He would roost at night in the tree in our back yard right in back of our bedroom. Do roosters crow early in the morning? Yes!! And sometimes all night. It was one of those "sometimes" nights that my husband could not sleep because that rooster would not stop crowing. I could only watch as he jumped out of bed, and dressed only in his underwear, he ran outside, climbed up that tree, grabbed the rooster by the neck, shook him violently five or six times while yelling, "shut up you dumb rooster" (or something even worse), then threw him to the ground. Needless to say that rooster ended up on our Sunday dinner table. The boys favorite part of this incident was when Dad chopped of the roosters head and talked him into letting go of its' legs. You don't have to guess why they thought that this was "cool".
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Answers and Blessings Come
I left you hanging in that last post for a long, long time ( 6 years). If you have been trying to follow this blog I'm sure by now you have just given up. I won't try to explain or make excuses, but the Spirit has been prompting for quite some time to "get with it again" or I will be running out of time. When the Spirit speaks I try to listen. So now my history, which is contained in this blog, has become a priority. My eyesight is going as is the mobility in my hands, not to mention my brain which is losing cells at an accelerated pace.
Now to get back to that last post in which I left you hanging. It ended with Jon, now about 4 years old, asked me question about the baby I was caring for at the time. He loved that little baby and cried every time her mother came to pick her up. Now for that question which he asked. One day when that baby went out the door he turned to me and asked, "How can we get a baby we can keep?" How could I answer that question when doctors had told me after the twins were born that I would never be able to conceive again because of medical issues. We had been blessed to have Jon join our family because of a special blessing Jim (my husband) had been given when he was "set a part" as new elders quorum president in our ward. Because of that miracle we named him Jon which means "Gift from God."
The answer which I gave to Jon's question answer was, "We'll have to ask Heavenly Father" to which he said, "Let's go ask Him right now". What do I do? I certainly didn't want to destroy the innocent faith he had that God does answer prayers. He'd learned that in Primary. Did I have the faith that Jon had? Now I had to test it. So we went together to the bedroom, knelt beside the bed and Jon said a simple prayer asking God for a baby sister "in the name of Jesus Christ."
What was the result of this child's prayer? Nine months later we were blessed with new baby girl whom we named Lea Rae. After her birth neither I nor any one in the family could call her "my baby" or "our baby". If we did, Jon would say, "She's not your baby. She's my baby. You didn't pray for her. I did." From then on Lea was his baby and he showed it by the way he doted over her. But she was blessing to our whole family.
Note: As long as it has taken me to write this short posting, I will have to live to be 100 years old to finish the history of my life in this blog. But I'm going to keep going as long as I can.
Now to get back to that last post in which I left you hanging. It ended with Jon, now about 4 years old, asked me question about the baby I was caring for at the time. He loved that little baby and cried every time her mother came to pick her up. Now for that question which he asked. One day when that baby went out the door he turned to me and asked, "How can we get a baby we can keep?" How could I answer that question when doctors had told me after the twins were born that I would never be able to conceive again because of medical issues. We had been blessed to have Jon join our family because of a special blessing Jim (my husband) had been given when he was "set a part" as new elders quorum president in our ward. Because of that miracle we named him Jon which means "Gift from God."
The answer which I gave to Jon's question answer was, "We'll have to ask Heavenly Father" to which he said, "Let's go ask Him right now". What do I do? I certainly didn't want to destroy the innocent faith he had that God does answer prayers. He'd learned that in Primary. Did I have the faith that Jon had? Now I had to test it. So we went together to the bedroom, knelt beside the bed and Jon said a simple prayer asking God for a baby sister "in the name of Jesus Christ."
What was the result of this child's prayer? Nine months later we were blessed with new baby girl whom we named Lea Rae. After her birth neither I nor any one in the family could call her "my baby" or "our baby". If we did, Jon would say, "She's not your baby. She's my baby. You didn't pray for her. I did." From then on Lea was his baby and he showed it by the way he doted over her. But she was blessing to our whole family.
Note: As long as it has taken me to write this short posting, I will have to live to be 100 years old to finish the history of my life in this blog. But I'm going to keep going as long as I can.
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