Happy Homecoming. A New Challenge Begins.

Three excited little girls welcomed home their new siblings, Jonita Rochelle, and James Richard Jr., We felt so blessed to be able to bring them both home on the same day. We were well equipped with the basic necessities for two newborns because of the "twin insurance" offered by Sears Roebuck and Co. If you had previously ordered a baby layette through their catalogue they would add a second comparable layette at no charge should you have twins. When the doctor confirmed that I was going to have twins, I quickly ordered the the largest layette in the catalogue. Holding true to their policy, Sears sent me a second one, the same as the first.

Once all of the girls had had their turn holding and gently caressing each baby, the initial excitement was over. Then reality quickly sent in. I had breast fed each of my preceding babies "on demand" and I planned to do the same with the twins. I had been assured by the nurses in the hospital that it was indeed possible to nurse two babies, and they even tried to show me how to feed them both at the same time. What a joke! I knew it would one at a time for me. But about this "on demand" thing became another joke. I soon found out that all I was doing all day was feeding babies. I tried to keep a record of who ate when to help me remember how often each of eating. This was just not working. With Jim's insistence we decided that the babies would be put on an eating schedule ... OUR schedule and that they would both eat at the same time, hungry or not. I think Jim was tired of hearing one or the other of them crying all night. That worked a lot better, even if it meant waking them up to eat. They soon adjusted to the schedule. However, this was the first time I had to depend on Daddy to help with the night feedings. I would feed one for a while, hand it to Jim to burp while I fed the other and then repeat the process. We both looked forward to the time when they would sleep through the night.

The other thing that became a challenge was the LAUNDRY... piles and piles of LAUNDRY!

There was no such thing as disposable diapers back then, and try to imagine doubling the amount of clothes that a baby can go through in a day. Now imagine laundry for three little girls and a husband added to that. And now imagine doing it all without a dryer. Everything had to be hung out on a line to dry. Then there was the folding of all those diapers and tiny baby clothes. My engineer husband invented a whole new way to fold diapers that made it easier for me to rinse out before washing. (Ask me sometime and I will show you how if we ever go back to cloth diapers.) I was grateful that we had at least an automatic washer, and I was even more grateful when Grandma Knapp came to help out for a while. I think I would have had a breakdown without her those first few weeks while I adjusted to my new busy life.

On the rare occasion that we took all of the children out for an afternoon, usually on Saturday when Dad was home to help, it was amazing how many people would stop us to see the twins.

They would see me carrying one and Jim carrying the other (no twin stroller) and would guess they were twin. Although one was always dressed in blue with a blue blanket and the other in pink with a pink blanket, it was even more amazing how many would ask if they were identical. Jim's sarcastic remark would always be, "No, one's a boy and one's a girl." Even then some would look a surprised by that statement and one even asked, "So what difference does that make? They still can be identical." I guess????

So began my life with five children from six years old to newborn, no family nearby, and a husband that was gone three evenings a week teaching, and another night at Mutual where he worked with priests.. I was pretty much on my own.

Out of the Hole!

It's time to get out of the negative and return to my happy life. It's been a tough two months dealing with my depression problems, but I feel I am now out of that deep black hole that only you who have been there can understand. Have I learned from this experience? Of course. Although I know that clinical depression is an illness similar to diabetes in that both are caused by a lack of certain necessary chemicals in the body to make it function properly, I came to realize that I have to have better strategies for handling stress in my life. Life is not without stress, but since too much of it can trigger an onset of major depression in those of us who suffer with with this mental illness, we have to avoid what we can and learn to deal with it in better ways. That is what I am focusing on now, and it has helped. In thinking back over the last six months or so there has been constant stress with no "recovery" time that led to my melt down. There were Jim's two knee surgeries and recovery times, Christmas (always somewhat stressful but manageable, and fun, if by itself), taking care of grandchildren (a little stressful because I realize that I don't have the energy, patience, and joints that I used to have), Mother's Day, (I've already explained that) and the then the "straw" that finally broke the camel's back (an old cliche) ... being called as Young Women's secretary. I had no idea of the responsibilities this calling required nor was I familiar with the "new" Young Women's program. I hadn't worked in that organization since I was in my twenties. AND I had always said that a secretary was one position I hoped I would never have. I just do not like a lot of paper work . Now I was faced with a stack of forms I needed to sort through, new forms to create on the computer and a lot of neglected records to update. I think it was all the computer work that got to me most ... computers and I do not have a very good relationship. All of this stress brought a "MELT DOWN", the like of which I hadn't experienced in years. None of these things by themselves would have caused a problem. It was just that they all followed ... bang, bang ... one after another without any recovery time.

Okay, I said I was going back to the positive, and I can do that now. With the help of my Savior and some conscientious effort on my part I am out of that hole and doing just fine. I'm eating better, trying to get more exercise (the hardest part since I our pool closed), getting more sleep, changing my priorities, and learning new ways to better handle stress. And would you believe I actually love my new calling? Now that I'm better organized, have all the necessary forms on the computer so I just have to fill out and update them (I can do that without Jim's help) the burden I was feeling has been lifted. I've gotten to know all the girls personally, and they are really great! I'm beginning to feel less and less like a fish out of water. I have a lot more self confidence. And I feel the girls have accepted me ... maybe even like me. It feels wonderful.

It would be neglectful of me if I did not say how grateful I am to my wonderful eternal companion who was and is so patient and understanding when I have an episode like this. He is the one that takes a lot of abuse and neglect, but somehow stays calm, patient, supportive and loving. I love you, Jim.

My next blog, back to my life story, "Three Little Girls Welcome Home Their New Siblings".

Sorry for this long "sidetrack".

Digging my hole deeper

I imagine that for most mothers Mother's Day is a favorite holiday. It would mean a day off from regular household duties, gifts, and maybe even breakfast in bed, that is if you have a husband like mine. He has always gone the "extra mile" to ensure my day would be special. That included making (yes, making) carnation corsages and boutonnieres for me and the children ... white for me and him and red for the children. A Mexican tradition designated a white flower if your mother was deceased and red if she were living.

So it would seem that I would love and look forward to Mother's Day. But to the contrary I hate that day. It may seen a little extreme to say "hate", and I guess it is. I guess "dislike" would be more accurate. "Why?", you ask. There are several reasons. First, I am uncomfortable being the center of attention and having others serve me. I'm a "dyed in the wool" Martha. I am much happier doing things for others than the reverse. Second, I don't need a special day to feel loved or appreciated. I have always gotten that from my children and husband all year round and often in spite of my not being the best mother in the world. I have always felt loved. Third, I hate the commercialism of the day. It really bothers me that the world dictates that to show love you have to give gifts. I hate for anyone to feel like they HAVE to give me a gift just because it's Mother's Day, my birthday, anniversary, or whatever, I'd much rather "feel" their love all year, and I do. The best gifts for me are the lives that my children live ... and a card with a sweet remembrance is also special.

But perhaps the strongest reason for my dreading this day is because it brings back discomforting memories that I have tried to put behind me over the past fifty-five years. I thought I had succeeded until this year. But I think because I was not my best self this year, suffering from a bout with depression, those memories crept back, just making me feel worse. What was that memory that has had such an effect on me the past fifty-five years? It dates back to our wedding day, Thursday, May 13. I never dawned on me until a year later that Mother's Day is always the Sunday after our anniversary. That meant that Mother's Day would have been the Sunday after we were married, and I guess I was so preoccupied with being a newlywed that I didn't go see her, send her gift, or even a card. I was oblivious to what day it was. And this was her last Mother's Day on earth. She died in October. I have felt terrible about that even though I know she would have understood why my mind was elsewhere that day. I know that Jim didn't remember his sister-in-law, Jean, either, who had been a mother to him for over six years. This year, that memory came back again with more than the usual amount of pain and that didn't help the depression. I was struggling to keep myself from crawling into that hole that I had been digging for myself. But I was determined not to let that happen. But there were still challenges that I needed to conquer.