Weak Things Can Become Strengths

I don't even know how to begin this post.  When (and if) you ever read this you will wonder why I am departing from the continuity of my l last post.  All I can tell you is that I have been having this constant feeling ever since I was prompted to go back to writing.  That feeling was regarding what my next blog should be.  I just kept ignoring it because it didn't make sense to me why I should put the discovery of how the Savior has worked in my life in the middle of my life's story.  I intended to use this near the end.  After writing the last three posts, that feeling became even stronger ... " Write that experience  NOW!"   Maybe I will never get to the end of my history in this blog, and God wants my personal testimony written down.  Maybe my eyesight will fail even more.  Maybe my brain will complete go to pot.  Or maybe it will be my hands that will fail me.  They already don't want to do what I want some of the time.  I never was a great typist and if I lose more of my limited ability I may not be able type in the short future.  Whatever the reason, I will listen to the Spirit and and do what He "says". So here goes:

This experience has been a part of my life beginning in my early thirties. That was when I began wondering why I felt depressed quite frequently.  I am aware that everyone gets depressed off and on in their lives brought on by a traumatic event, discouragement, or just plain stress.  I wasn't too concerned at the time because it would go away after a few days.  When it would happen I'd try to think of some reason why I felt depressed, but most of the time I couldn't think of anything.  So I just went on with my life, trying to keep a smile on my face, doing all my daily chores as best I could and trying to hide my feelings from the children.  This went on for quite a while until the episodes would last longer and be more frequent.

I decided to get an appointment with our family doctor, Dr. Fingerle, whom I really loved and trusted.    I had been hearing of a new antidepressant drug called prozac and hoped that it might help me.  Dr. Fingerle gave me a prescription which I took faithfully for a month (or maybe longer).  I felt no change in my feelings.  Thinking this was the only drug available for depression I figured there was nothing else I could do.  Remember that was over 50 years ago when mental health was seldom even discussed and if it was it would be with feelings of guilt or embarrassment.  I got pretty good at holding everything in, putting on my "happy face" in spite of what I was feeling and waiting until I was alone to "lose it" which meant doing a lot of crying.

Fast forward about 30 years when my daughter was having some major trauma in her life and had a near "breakdown".  She was smart enough to see a psychiatrist who gave her some medication called zoloft which really helped her.   Knowing that I had been suffering for years from depression she talked me into seeing Dr. Azad, the psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed with clinical depression which is a major depressive disorder.  You don't just "snap out" of this kind of depression.  I found out that there are many different medications for depression available.  But there is no test to see what works for you.  It is by trial and error to find the right one.  After a number of trials they finally came up with one that worked for me.  I could really tell a difference when I took that medication.  I have been on it ever since.  I have also attended counseling on and off when I had bad episodes and needed extra help.

I just want to list the symptoms which occur most of the day,  nearly every day when you have one of these "down" episodes just so you know what I have had to go through many times.

• feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
• angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration, even over small matters
• loss of interest or pleasure in most normal activities
• sleep disturbances
• tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• reduced appetite or increased cravings 
• anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• slowed thinking
• feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things
• frequent or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
• physical problems (back pain, headaches)

Fortunately these kind of episodes have become less and less and last only a day or two instead of weeks.  Definitely the pills and the counseling have helped a lot.  I now know strategies that help me either eliminate or get through these episodes.  Depression can have a genetic disposition.  It seems to have affected a number of my family.  Maybe that is one reason for being prompted to write this post.  But a second reason may be how this "weakness" has affected my own life and how the Savior has intervened to help this weakness become a strength.  One of my favorite scriptures is found in the book of Ether in the Book of Mormon.  Quote: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;
and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I know now why I have loved that scripture for  such a long time. I'm ending this post here because it is getting so long.  My next post will continue on by telling just how the Lord taught and prepared me to have a productive and happier life in spite of this major disability.  So tune in!