Realizing the Vital Role of Mother

It had only been five short months since my mother had stood in the line at my wedding...only twenty short years that my mother had been part of my life, and a very long two months since I said good-bye for the last time at the airport. I didn't know it would be the last time because I already had in my mind that I would take my newborn to California to see her. I remember her getting on the airplane from a wheelchair with her oxygen tank in tow. She was excited because this would be her first ever flight in a plane, and she hoped that the lower altitude in California would prolong her life a little longer. And we, too, hoped that this would be the case. She so wanted to live at least a few years longer to get J.D. through those difficult teen years. But it was not to be. It was on October 10, 1954, that my dad called to tell me that Mom had passed away. I don't think it was by chance, but by divine intervention that her beloved doctor from Salt Lake just happened to be taking trip to California and stopped by to see her the day that she died. He was there to aid and comfort her. What a blessing. Mom was flown home for the funeral and burial. This was where she was born and spent her life. This was where her family and and life-long friends were. This is where she would have wanted to be laid to rest next to her father and younger brother who had drowned at the age of sixteen.

The next few months are a big blur in my life. Although I was aware of the fragile condition of my mother's health, it had been that way for many years and still, somehow, she had survived to the age of forty-five. But still that is so young to die. Her doctor who spoke at her funeral said that it had only been her strong will to live that had kept her alive ten years longer than he would have predicted. But still the reality of her death failed to "sink in". Are we ever really ready to lose those in our life whom we love so much even though we know it is inevitable? Did I say often enough how much I loved her? Did I express my gratitude for how much he taught me and all that she did for me in spite of being so sick? Did I really empathize with the difficulty of her life? Did I show the resentment that I felt at times because I had to do so much more than my friends to help her out? And what did I do for her on Mother's Day this last year? That haunted me the most because I realized that Mother's Day that year was the same weekend that we were married, and I wasn't even sure I remembered her special day. I don't remember even going to visit her. I've hated Mother's Day ever since because it brings back memories of forgetting my mom on the the last year she was on earth.

I was very concerned at this time for my brother and sister, Georgia. Georgia had only been in Hawaii for two days when she received the news about mom and immediately flew home. She was now in a turmoil as to what to do with her life now that all her plans had been disrupted. She moved in with Grandma Knapp and went back to work. But I really worried about J.D. who had moved into a small apartment with my dad. He was very close to Mom, and I could see the pain he was feeling. This was made worse by the fact that my dad began dating almost immediately after my mom died. I feel that it showed insensitivity to us children and to mom's family even though Mom had always said that she wanted him to marry again after her death. She loved Dad and didn't want him to be alone for the rest of his life knowing that her days were numbered. She even suggested that Teuntje Van de Merwe, a single immigrant from Holland and a close family friend, would make a good wife. But dating her so soon after Mom's death bothered us and I think was devastating to J.D. Teun, as we called her, was a good person and a hard worker, but she had never been married and would now have to take on a teenage son. She, like my dad, had the "Old Country" thinking when it came to raising children...very strict. "Do what I say when I say it and no arguing" was their philosophy, and I knew that would never work with a teenager. Mom had been very good at tempering this kind of attitude in my dad, but now there would be no restraint. I could see real trouble ahead for J.D....and there was.

Christmas came and it was the worst one of my life. I guess I never realized or at least I failed to realize that it was Mom who kept the family close, especially on the holidays. Nobody in the family stepped up to the plate and planned anything. On Christmas Eve I remember going to Grandma Knapp's apartment where my sister was. We just sat together wondering what to do and what to say, and ended up sharing how much we missed Mom and crying together. We tried to locate J.D. and Dad but they were not home. We assumed that they must be with Teun and her friends. What a miserable Christmas he must have been having. I'm not even sure that my dad got him anything that Christmas because once again it was Mom who took care of those things. And I'm sure Dad was a little preoccupied with other things like planning his upcoming marriage in January. That, too, had been a little depressing to all of us. We had tried to talk to Dad about waiting a little while longer, but he could see no reason for waiting. He told us that "This is what Mom wanted so why put it off." He just seemed oblivious to our feelings. Christmas day we spent with Jim's family, and that was a nice diversion from all the pain we were feeling.

Somehow we survived that Christmas with a resolve to never let this happen again. We would make sure that plans would be made to have the next one like Mom would have wanted. But now we would have to face the upcoming wedding with "happy for Dad" faces. Don't get me wrong, Teun was a great person. We really liked her. And we were happy that Dad would now have someone wait on him like he had waited on my mother and the family for all these years. And we knew that Teun would. Dad deserved that. And I truly believed that she loved him and was excited about getting married for the first time. But I know that she had expressed some concern that maybe it was too soon. In that way she was more sensitive than Dad. But my Dad was stubborn and would not listen to her either. So the wedding was on and our concern was now for my little brother.