The Savior's Hand in my Life

It has taken a lifetime and a huge amount of hind sight to see how and when the Lord has been there to teach, to give me experience, to help me do difficult things, and support me when I was ready to just give up.  It has been since I began reviewing and reflecting on my life that I began to see a pattern of personal progression that directly related to my prayers for help, my making a concerted effort to draw closer to the Savior, to listen to promptings from the Holy Ghost, and to the many assignments and "callings" I have received over the years.  It has taken all these years to put he pieces of this puzzle together to see the picture of my life ... what my purpose in this life has been, and how Christ helped me realize that my disability was not who I was or who I could become.  Following are some of these puzzle pieces I finally put all together.

Prayers answered when I was a child

I learned at a young age that Heavenly Father was real ...  that he did hear and answer prayers.

So when I wasn't sure if I were marrying Jim for the right reason, God answered my prayer by

confirming that choice.  He knew whom I would need as a life long companion because he knew jim would be faithful through a difficult relationship.  He knew me.  He knew Jim.

Choosing Jim Mortensen to be my eternal companion

Why was this so important?  I'll explain.  Before I was married, I had not received a diagnosis of clinical depression.  I had had a lot of symptoms but thought that I was only "different" from others my age.  I guess I would have have been classified as a "nerd" back then.  I was intelligent but I really didn't recognize that.  I was expected to do well in school, and I tried to live up to that expectation.  I didn't have many friends and hardly any dates through High school.  I had low self esteem. It was hard for me to relate to people, and I always felt that no one could ever love me.  I felt unlovable.  When Jim showed an interest in me in high school and again when he graduated I first felt that this would be my only chance to be married.  Over the next few years I fell in love ... real love mostly through our letters while he was over seas in the Air Force.  We were married when he came home.  Why was this so important to me?  Because for the first time I felt loved!  (except from my parents)  The story of how we first met was in itself an unlikely occurrence, so I knew it had to be with divine intervention.  And even more important was the fact that Jim has always so loving and committed to me that he stuck with me during all those years when my depression would show its' ugly symptoms.  I honestly think that there are very few men who could live 64 years with any woman who had episodes of depression  that were many times directed at him.  He was one of those few.  And I still feel loved to this day.  God has guided us through this marriage, and I 'm looking forward to eternity with him when the depression will be gone.

God's faith and trust in me, in spite of my major disability, by placing eight of His precious children in my care with the responsibility of helping them be prepared to return home to Him
It was on a trip with five our children when we stopped at hotel kind of late in the evening to get something to eat.  The hotel was the only place in town that we could find a restaurant that was still  open.  We were all eating when we noticed as couple at another table watching us.  I looked at all the children to make sure they weren't doing something weird or gross as children can sometimes do while eating.  To my surprise, they were actually being very civil ... and relatively quiet.   I guess they were a little tired.  Anyway, as the couple were walking out they stopped by our table and said:  "What beautiful children.  And they are so well behaved".  I swallowed hard and said, "Thank you".  Immediately after that there came a voice in my mind that said: "This is your earthly mission ... to raise an exemplary family".  That word "exemplary" stood out to me.  What did that mean? I knew from that day on what I was put here on earth to do.  And I knew I was going to need help.  God knew it, too, because He knew of the problems I would continue to have even if I didn't at that time. So the rest of my life, as you will see, He was there to tutor and prepare me for that task.  I knew I would have to somehow control or hide all those dark feelings and negative impulses I would have at times from the children.  I wanted them to only see a happy mom who loved, taught and cared for them.  That was my life!

My calls to serve in a number of different "callings" over the years which I now know were inspired. 
You might notice how these assignments, which I reluctantly accepted, became my schooling and therapy to help me overcome, or just deal with, my many negative feelings and actions when depression would set in.  Can you see what the different experiences (actually they were opportunities) required of me?  Each one forced me to take another step forward.  These callings, was I have said, were my therapy,  my schooling.  I'm sure if you had been in my shoes you could imagine how each one in could help you overcome those negative symptoms I listed in the last post.  These are the callings I have had over the years (those that I can remember):

• Sunday School teacher - 5 yr. old children (Primary was during the week)
• Counselor in Young Women's organization (very short time)
• Primary teacher 9 yr. old girls (Merrie Miss)
• Primary teacher - 3 year old (Sunbeams)
• Primary chorister _ No, I wasn't a musician, but I could read music
• Primary teacher - 11 yr. old boys
• Relief Society teacher - Literature, Theology, Spiritual Living
• Primary President
• Stake Primary scout leader
• Relief Society counselor - three different times
• Early morning seminary teacher - 5 years
• Admissions Advisor for BYU - southern California
• Relief Society president
• Stake Relief Society president
• Two year mission with my husband to Moorpark Institute of Religion
• Visiting Teacher (ministering) for over fifty years
• Young Women's secretary when I was 75 years old.  I have to laugh at this one because I had said numerous times that the one calling I never ever wanted was to be a secretary ... of anything.  Well, I think the Lord must have thought, "You aren't going to get out of this world without the experience of being a secretary.  I'll bet He was laughing, too.

Was I "cured" of clinical depression?  No.  I still struggle with it almost every day - maybe even a little more often than in earlier years.  Maybe that is because  I have less distractions in my life to focus and work on.  But all these experiences in my life have taught me these important truths:

1. I know I am loved.
2. I  know I have worth, talents, and capabilities.
3. I have less fears in social situations - can communicate intelligibly though with some anxiety still.
4. I can be a leader if I surround myself with strong and capable people whom I can depend on if or when some of those depressive tendencies creep up on me.
5. I am good at organizing, but still struggle with implementing my plans without help.
6. I usually can control or change my feelings of sadness, irritability or anger.  But they do sneak up on me from time to time.  (I'm afraid Jim takes the brunt of things when it happens).  But he has learned SO well how to be kind and forgiving when it happens.  He has learned to say, "I know this isn't you.  It's the depression.
7. I still have trouble with thinking clearly, concentrating, and forgetfulness, but I blame those things on old age.
8. I do not have thoughts of suicide, but God knows I am ready to die whenever He feels it is my time.  I have no fear of death.
9. I still have sleeping problems, but now I don't think it is because of depression.  I just  had a sleep study which I hope will identify the causes.  (No results, yet).
10. I accept my weakness and shortcomings without guilt.  I just repent and keep working.

All in all, I accept who I am while still trying to become better for as long as I live.  I am proud of all my children and what they have become.  I feel I can meet my Savior and report with all sincerity that I have accomplished my mission.  Jim and I have raised an "exemplary" family.  I am now looking forward to eternity with my sweetheart, surrounded by those whom I love so much.

Weak Things Can Become Strengths

I don't even know how to begin this post.  When (and if) you ever read this you will wonder why I am departing from the continuity of my l last post.  All I can tell you is that I have been having this constant feeling ever since I was prompted to go back to writing.  That feeling was regarding what my next blog should be.  I just kept ignoring it because it didn't make sense to me why I should put the discovery of how the Savior has worked in my life in the middle of my life's story.  I intended to use this near the end.  After writing the last three posts, that feeling became even stronger ... " Write that experience  NOW!"   Maybe I will never get to the end of my history in this blog, and God wants my personal testimony written down.  Maybe my eyesight will fail even more.  Maybe my brain will complete go to pot.  Or maybe it will be my hands that will fail me.  They already don't want to do what I want some of the time.  I never was a great typist and if I lose more of my limited ability I may not be able type in the short future.  Whatever the reason, I will listen to the Spirit and and do what He "says". So here goes:

This experience has been a part of my life beginning in my early thirties. That was when I began wondering why I felt depressed quite frequently.  I am aware that everyone gets depressed off and on in their lives brought on by a traumatic event, discouragement, or just plain stress.  I wasn't too concerned at the time because it would go away after a few days.  When it would happen I'd try to think of some reason why I felt depressed, but most of the time I couldn't think of anything.  So I just went on with my life, trying to keep a smile on my face, doing all my daily chores as best I could and trying to hide my feelings from the children.  This went on for quite a while until the episodes would last longer and be more frequent.

I decided to get an appointment with our family doctor, Dr. Fingerle, whom I really loved and trusted.    I had been hearing of a new antidepressant drug called prozac and hoped that it might help me.  Dr. Fingerle gave me a prescription which I took faithfully for a month (or maybe longer).  I felt no change in my feelings.  Thinking this was the only drug available for depression I figured there was nothing else I could do.  Remember that was over 50 years ago when mental health was seldom even discussed and if it was it would be with feelings of guilt or embarrassment.  I got pretty good at holding everything in, putting on my "happy face" in spite of what I was feeling and waiting until I was alone to "lose it" which meant doing a lot of crying.

Fast forward about 30 years when my daughter was having some major trauma in her life and had a near "breakdown".  She was smart enough to see a psychiatrist who gave her some medication called zoloft which really helped her.   Knowing that I had been suffering for years from depression she talked me into seeing Dr. Azad, the psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed with clinical depression which is a major depressive disorder.  You don't just "snap out" of this kind of depression.  I found out that there are many different medications for depression available.  But there is no test to see what works for you.  It is by trial and error to find the right one.  After a number of trials they finally came up with one that worked for me.  I could really tell a difference when I took that medication.  I have been on it ever since.  I have also attended counseling on and off when I had bad episodes and needed extra help.

I just want to list the symptoms which occur most of the day,  nearly every day when you have one of these "down" episodes just so you know what I have had to go through many times.

• feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
• angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration, even over small matters
• loss of interest or pleasure in most normal activities
• sleep disturbances
• tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• reduced appetite or increased cravings 
• anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• slowed thinking
• feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things
• frequent or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
• physical problems (back pain, headaches)

Fortunately these kind of episodes have become less and less and last only a day or two instead of weeks.  Definitely the pills and the counseling have helped a lot.  I now know strategies that help me either eliminate or get through these episodes.  Depression can have a genetic disposition.  It seems to have affected a number of my family.  Maybe that is one reason for being prompted to write this post.  But a second reason may be how this "weakness" has affected my own life and how the Savior has intervened to help this weakness become a strength.  One of my favorite scriptures is found in the book of Ether in the Book of Mormon.  Quote: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;
and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I know now why I have loved that scripture for  such a long time. I'm ending this post here because it is getting so long.  My next post will continue on by telling just how the Lord taught and prepared me to have a productive and happier life in spite of this major disability.  So tune in!