Finding Christ at Christmas

It's the day before Christmas, 2007. It's my seventy third Christmas...fifty fifth as an "adult". And still I struggle with the same earnest desire to become so close to my Savior that I can feel Him close to me, feel His love and peace, and more importantly feel the deep love and gratitude I know I should have for Him and my Father in Heavenly for the great sacrifice they both made that I might return to their presence. Don't take me wrong. I DO love the Savior and my Heavenly Father, but I guess what I desire is to feel more than the earthly love that I feel for my children and spouse, which is the deepest love I have yet to feel. I guess what I want to feel is true charity...the true love that Christ has for us especially during the Christmas season. You would think that at this season of the year when we as Christians and members of His church should focus on His birth and mission as the center of our celebration that drawing close would be easier. I have found it just the opposite. It has become the time that we get so encumbered with relatively unimportant things, so stressed by the demands on our time and energy, even so engaged in trying to do good things for others that we have no time left for peaceful solitude and reflection, for quiet and sincere study and prayer, to be alone out among God's beautiful creations and feel His presence there. I guess I'm talking about us wives and mothers.

This year I have been thinking back at Christmas past and trying to remember if perhaps there have been glimpses of this feeling that I desire that I may have missed because I wasn't paying attention. These are some of the things that came to mind.

• Christmas Eves as a child with family - definitely warm memories, but more of childhood excitement.
• The year I received the most beautiful doll in the whole world - definitely childhood excitement. No spiritual memories here.<>
• <>The year my little brother (Jr. High age) told mom he wanted to give the money that would be spent on him for Christmas (all of $10.00) to help a needy family that was adopted by his home room class. I was proud of him, but I'm sure it was he that had the feelings of love from the Savior.
• <>The first Christmas we were married. My mother had passed away that October and no one stepped up to planning a family Christmas. It had been mother who had always done that. The most sad and empty Christmas of my life. It could have been so different if I had stepped up to the plate.
• The next Christmas after our little Jeanie was born. This one became one of the best. Why? Jim was in school and we had next to nothing to spend on Christmas. I think that is one of the keys to having a more spiritual holiday. You become so grateful for what you DO have. And we had our little family. I remember buying three toys for Jeanie...a little four-piece plastic train (no track), a stuffed animal, and I can't remember what else. I just remember hiding them in the bottom of zip-up clothes bag...as if I needed to hide them from a nine month old. We managed a small tree, one string of lights, a dozen glass ornaments and finished decorating it with our Christmas cards as we received them. Definitely one of our more spiritual Christmas's.
• The year our landlord died and our low-rent house was put up for sale. We needed to save money for a new house so only gave the small children dime-store gifts (they didn't mind a bit) and the adults did white elephants, a tradition still going on today. Then our children gave us the best Christmas ever. They pooled their hard-earned money and gave us a down payment on a new house. How blessed we felt for having such wonderful, loving children.
• As our family grew and our Christmas traditions became established, we tried to make doing for others a part of those traditions. Each year we tried to do a service for someone in need. Surely this would bring those burning feeling of love I desired to feel. But even service projects require planning and shopping. I spent so much time and effort in preparation that I left no time for myself for those quiet reflective moments. I have often wished I had a grove of trees in my back yard where I could find the peace and quiet.

There are many more Christmases I could write about. But I want to get to this year. This year I have had brief glimpses of that elusive burning in the bosom type love of and for God and His son. And it is because I made the effort. I completed my preparations by the first of December so I could really concentrate doing what I needed to do to be truly worthy of the feelings I desired. I earnestly studied the New Testament this year and even completed the Institute manual on the New Testament. It was my desire to really get to KNOW God and His Son. It is hard to love someone you do not know. It's hard to describe how I felt as I read and studied. Christ became a person, not a story. I cried over the pain and suffering He went through and truly wanted to show my love and appreciation. Did I feel true charity as I desired and in return did I feel His love? Maybe my expectations aren't realistic, but I did have one experience in which I knew for a brief instance how that love feels. I was visiting one of the inactive sisters that I visit teach. Her inactivity is due to the fact that she feels she can never be forgiven of past transgressions. She has had a incredibly difficult life but has raised a good family. I felt inspired to buy her the book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" for Christmas. I wasn't sure how she would react, so I prayed hard before I went to give it to her. Although, since day one of meeting her four years ago, I felt a special bond today I felt such consuming love for that sister that I broke into tears as I hugged her. I thought to myself, "This is what it must feel like to have Christ-like love". I've really tried to serve God's children this year, and I've tried to give myself time alone with my Father and my Savior to express my love and feel Their love for me. They are always there for me. It is I who does not open that door to them by what I do or do not do. It is my hope and prayer that before I die I will have that constant burning love in my heart for not only my Heavenly Father and my brother, Christ, but for all of my brothers and sisters here on earth. May you all have the same desire and may you be blessed always for all your righteous efforts.