It took us several months to get used to our new schedule, and we began to realize just what sacrifices we would have to make. For Jim, it was getting used to studying again, finding time to study, working hard until 11:00 at night when he was dead tired, and not being at home enough to watch the new things his little girl would do almost daily as she developed new skills. For me it was hardly ever seeing Jim except for a very short time in the afternoon between school and work, never having a "baby break" when Dad could take over for a while, and having to be alone all day and night in a very depressing apartment.
But perhaps one of the most unexpected and frustrating difficulties I had to face was the washing machine I had to use in our new apartment. I should have been thrilled to have use of one of the first automatic washers on the market...a Bendix front loading machine. Only the rich could afford one at this time, and our landlady was fairly wealthy. Her name was Evelyn Wood, the inventor of the first speed reading program which she had developed. She was an educator, very well known and much in demand to teach schools and organizations how to use her new method...at a fee, of course. She may have been very smart, but she was a lousy landlord (lady). Anyway, back to the washing machine. It was located in a section of the basement not occupied by our apartment and where we had a storage closet. So what was the problem? The problem was that occasionally the door of washer would come unlatched from the vibrating of the machine, and water would flood the basement. The first time it happened I thought that I must not have locked the door completely, and I was devastated. I swept the water from the flooded basement to the drain the best I could and opened all the basement windows to help dry things out. All the things I had stored in the closet were soaked, including some boxed wedding gifts, books, documents, and memorabilia that were important to me. I was scared to death what Sister Wood (she was a member of the Church) would say. Needless to say she was not happy. After this happened two or three more times I KNEW it wasn't my fault because I was so careful to make sure the door was locked securely. But I surely spent a lot of time crying as I mopped up the mess gain and again.
The first Christmas in that apartment was pretty bleak. We couldn't afford a Christmas tree nor decorations to trim one. Jeanie's only gift from Santa was a stuffed animal, Tramp, from Walt Disney's movie, "Lady and the Tramp". We spent some time with Grandma Knapp, Dad and Teun, and Jesse and Jean just to get us more in the holiday spirit. At least they had Christmas trees...and they all had gifts for Jeanie. But the thing that made this Christmas special and memorable to me was that I was able to surprise Jim with a small desk on which he could study. I had saved nickles and dimes from grocery money over the past six months, and with the influence of my dad on the furniture store owner who was a personal friend, I was able to get a great deal on the desk. As I look back now it was a pretty cheap (and I don't mean just in dollars), but at the time I thought it was pretty wonderful. That desk has since been used for many purposes, including a sewing table for me.
Jim made it through his first semester with reasonable grades considering he had taken mostly required (and not too interesting to him) subjects. And I had survived my first four months as a "widow" by taking long walks with Jeanie and talking to neighbors. We only had one car so I couldn't go anywhere. But even though at times I felt depressed and lonely, I tried to be "up" and positive when Jim came home. I wanted him to feel loved and supported in what he was doing. And by comparison he was sacrificing much more than me. He has since told me that if I had complained about our situation or lack of material things he would have quit school in an instant and gone to work to support us better. He also said that he could have easily used that as an excuse for him to quit when things were tough for him and he really wanted to give it all up. But he had too much pride to take the blame.
What kept us both going was the knowledge that an education would make a difference in what we could provide for our family in the future. And that was worth it!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Challenges of a New Mom - Decisions, Decisions
It was on the way home from the hospital with this new little life in my arms (no car seats were required. In fact, they were probably still just a thought on someones creative mind) that reality set in. I was a mom!!! Jim and I would be responsible not only for the health and well being of this little person but for what she would become. That thought was so overwhelming for a very young twenty year old. I was so inexperienced and I didn't have a mom to check with to make sure I was doing things right. I would have to depend on "mother's intuition" if such a thing existed. It wasn't long before I realized that it actually did.
Since there was no one to be with me that first week, I just jumped in to all my new responsibilities...being up two or three times every night to feed and comfort a crying baby, rinsing and washing what seemed to me an endless stream of dirty diapers (no disposables), sterilizing bottles (a "must" back then), and taking drives - sometimes even in the middle of the night- to soothe a crying baby who would be comforted no other way. Jeanie was a colicky baby and cried a lot. Thank goodness for paregoric which was used to treat colic in the early days before it was discovered it had some bad side effects (I never saw any) and is now a "no, no".
For the first few months our little Jeanie slept in a cradle which was made for my sisters and me when we were babies. I had painted it and made a new liner and mattress cover for it. I don't know what ever happened to that cradle, and I wish I did. I only remember that she was the only one who slept in it. We later bought a crib, a cheap one, that only lasted through our first three babies and then literally fell apart. But when we bought it, it was all we could afford and we thought it was wonderful.
Besides bragging about our new little daughter, Jim's and my discussions now turned to our future plans. Jim's commitment to the Air Force was drawing to a close and we needed to decide whether to re-enlist for another four years or pursue another career which would require going back to school. Re-enlisting was very tempting because it would include a $4,000 bonus. That was a LOT of money which could buy a LOT of things back then. And we could have government housing which was cheap, full medical coverage, and reduced-priced shopping at the commissary and PX. And even being able to travel to other countries sounded exciting to me. But I knew Jim had always talked about getting a college degree. His brother, Jesse, had try to instill the importance of education to Jim and his siblings whom he raised. Jesse had given up his own education in order to raise these brothers and sisters. No one so far in his whole family had ever gone on to college. Maybe part of Jim's desire to be the "one" to go on was his way showing his brother his gratitude for all he had sacrificed for him.
It was July before we decided to forgo the $4,000, retire from the military, and take on the challenge of getting an electrical engineering degree at the University of Utah. We knew the only way this would be possible was if Jim worked full time to support the family and went to school full time if he was to graduate in four years. Because he would be a war-time veteran the government would contribute $165.00 a month toward his education. That would help, but would certainly not cover even the school expenses. Since Jim's formal release time wouldn't be until the first of September and fall semester at the university began just a few days after that, we had to begin soon to find a place to live, secure a job for Jim, get registered at the university, and sign up for classes.
After much searching we found a small apartment in the basement of some one's home. It was in the neighborhood where I lived when we were married. It was old, kind of dark and dreary and not the best designed place we had seen, but it was what we could afford. Jim found a job at the LDS Hospital in the housekeeping department which meant mopping floors and cleaning up messes that no one else wanted to touch. For that he would be paid $1.00 an hour. Yes, that was ONE DOLLAR an hour, minimum wage. But the hours would work with his school schedule. He had been accepted at the University of Utah, and his classes on most days would be from 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. His work schedule was from 3:00 to 11:00 p.m.
Somewhere in there he would have to find time to study. We both knew that the next four years were going to be a challenge. But we were young and optimistic that together we could make the necessary sacrifices to reach this new goal we had set. We knew it would be difficult for both of us, but especially for Jim. He had always been a hard worker, but this would be the ultimate test of his strength and endurance. We were about to begin the next important phase of our lives that would in many ways affect the future of our family. Were we up to the challenge?
Since there was no one to be with me that first week, I just jumped in to all my new responsibilities...being up two or three times every night to feed and comfort a crying baby, rinsing and washing what seemed to me an endless stream of dirty diapers (no disposables), sterilizing bottles (a "must" back then), and taking drives - sometimes even in the middle of the night- to soothe a crying baby who would be comforted no other way. Jeanie was a colicky baby and cried a lot. Thank goodness for paregoric which was used to treat colic in the early days before it was discovered it had some bad side effects (I never saw any) and is now a "no, no".
For the first few months our little Jeanie slept in a cradle which was made for my sisters and me when we were babies. I had painted it and made a new liner and mattress cover for it. I don't know what ever happened to that cradle, and I wish I did. I only remember that she was the only one who slept in it. We later bought a crib, a cheap one, that only lasted through our first three babies and then literally fell apart. But when we bought it, it was all we could afford and we thought it was wonderful.
Besides bragging about our new little daughter, Jim's and my discussions now turned to our future plans. Jim's commitment to the Air Force was drawing to a close and we needed to decide whether to re-enlist for another four years or pursue another career which would require going back to school. Re-enlisting was very tempting because it would include a $4,000 bonus. That was a LOT of money which could buy a LOT of things back then. And we could have government housing which was cheap, full medical coverage, and reduced-priced shopping at the commissary and PX. And even being able to travel to other countries sounded exciting to me. But I knew Jim had always talked about getting a college degree. His brother, Jesse, had try to instill the importance of education to Jim and his siblings whom he raised. Jesse had given up his own education in order to raise these brothers and sisters. No one so far in his whole family had ever gone on to college. Maybe part of Jim's desire to be the "one" to go on was his way showing his brother his gratitude for all he had sacrificed for him.
It was July before we decided to forgo the $4,000, retire from the military, and take on the challenge of getting an electrical engineering degree at the University of Utah. We knew the only way this would be possible was if Jim worked full time to support the family and went to school full time if he was to graduate in four years. Because he would be a war-time veteran the government would contribute $165.00 a month toward his education. That would help, but would certainly not cover even the school expenses. Since Jim's formal release time wouldn't be until the first of September and fall semester at the university began just a few days after that, we had to begin soon to find a place to live, secure a job for Jim, get registered at the university, and sign up for classes.
After much searching we found a small apartment in the basement of some one's home. It was in the neighborhood where I lived when we were married. It was old, kind of dark and dreary and not the best designed place we had seen, but it was what we could afford. Jim found a job at the LDS Hospital in the housekeeping department which meant mopping floors and cleaning up messes that no one else wanted to touch. For that he would be paid $1.00 an hour. Yes, that was ONE DOLLAR an hour, minimum wage. But the hours would work with his school schedule. He had been accepted at the University of Utah, and his classes on most days would be from 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. His work schedule was from 3:00 to 11:00 p.m.
Somewhere in there he would have to find time to study. We both knew that the next four years were going to be a challenge. But we were young and optimistic that together we could make the necessary sacrifices to reach this new goal we had set. We knew it would be difficult for both of us, but especially for Jim. He had always been a hard worker, but this would be the ultimate test of his strength and endurance. We were about to begin the next important phase of our lives that would in many ways affect the future of our family. Were we up to the challenge?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
"Who Are These Children Coming Down?"
The last few weeks have been wonderfully extraordinary for me with the birth of three beautiful new special spirits into our family. First there was grandson, Wesley, born on April 12 to Carrie and Todd, followed my great granddaughter, Jaycee, who arrived on May 2. Her parents are Rachael and Rod Gardner. Then just six days later another granddaughter, Sierra, joined the Lea and Paul's family. Another great granddaughter is due to arrive in August. Looking at these new little babies either in person or by the miracle of the internet
has set me to thinking about the miracle of birth, about who these little spirits were in the pre-existence and pondering about the missions they were assigned to perform before they left the presence of our Heavenly Father. This I do know...all of them are valiant spirits who earned the right and were ordained to come to the earth at this time to perform a special mission, to usher in the second coming of the Savior. This is true of all those born in this generation. Each may have a different role to play in this great mission which will only be known to them through personal revelation. What an awesome task you parents have to teach, influence, and prepare these children to be worthy to receive this special guidance and revelation that comes through the Holy Ghost. Through your teachings and example they must learn to love the Lord that they will be called to serve. I'm sure each one of you feels the great responsibility that lies on your shoulders. But knowing each one you, I know you are up to the task and will do all you can to be good...no...GREAT parents.
How privileged we are to live in these last days to see the gospel spread to the far corners of the earth, to see revelation being fulfilled, and to know the hour of Christ's second coming is "close at hand" as the scriptures state. How privileged we are to welcome into our homes these "Saturday's Warriors" who are so smart, who have such strong personalities (they're going to need them), and who have come to us with special gifts, and talents which are necessary for them to fulfill the mission they have accepted. And it is not by accident that they came to you. The Lord placed these children in the homes where He knew they would have the best chance to succeed. He trusted you to love, nourish, and prepare the most noble of His children.
When I see these new, precious little ones, and know who they really are, I stand in awe. I am so grateful that the members of this family have been chosen to be part of God's great plan for these last days. I am grateful to be part of this family who love and support each other. The great responsibilities and inadequacies that we all feel at times are made easier when we know we have such a strong help and support system we have through family when we need it. God bless you all for that.
Today is Mother's Day, and although you may know that this is not my favorite holiday for reasons I have mentioned before, today has been wonderful because I have taken the time to reflect on all the blessings I have experienced because of being a mom. Sometimes it takes a lifetime before you really realize that it has been the family, especially your children who have brought you an understanding as to what JOY really means. There are a lot of bumps along the way, but they become just little molehills when you reach the end of the parenting journey and the fruits of your efforts begin to appear in the lives your children lead. I feel truly blessed this Mother's Day as my thoughts have been directed toward my sons and daughters all of whom are now parents and can understand what I'm saying. This has truly been a lovely day. And yes, your dad made me the traditional white carnation corsage, brought me breakfast in bed (eggs Benedict, no less), and cooked a wonderful dinner for me (chicken cordon bleu and strawberry shortcake). What a great husband and father he has been! And today I felt the spirit of my mom very close today and I know that she loves me and forgives me even if I did miss her last Mother's Day on earth. I feel at peace.
has set me to thinking about the miracle of birth, about who these little spirits were in the pre-existence and pondering about the missions they were assigned to perform before they left the presence of our Heavenly Father. This I do know...all of them are valiant spirits who earned the right and were ordained to come to the earth at this time to perform a special mission, to usher in the second coming of the Savior. This is true of all those born in this generation. Each may have a different role to play in this great mission which will only be known to them through personal revelation. What an awesome task you parents have to teach, influence, and prepare these children to be worthy to receive this special guidance and revelation that comes through the Holy Ghost. Through your teachings and example they must learn to love the Lord that they will be called to serve. I'm sure each one of you feels the great responsibility that lies on your shoulders. But knowing each one you, I know you are up to the task and will do all you can to be good...no...GREAT parents.
How privileged we are to live in these last days to see the gospel spread to the far corners of the earth, to see revelation being fulfilled, and to know the hour of Christ's second coming is "close at hand" as the scriptures state. How privileged we are to welcome into our homes these "Saturday's Warriors" who are so smart, who have such strong personalities (they're going to need them), and who have come to us with special gifts, and talents which are necessary for them to fulfill the mission they have accepted. And it is not by accident that they came to you. The Lord placed these children in the homes where He knew they would have the best chance to succeed. He trusted you to love, nourish, and prepare the most noble of His children.
When I see these new, precious little ones, and know who they really are, I stand in awe. I am so grateful that the members of this family have been chosen to be part of God's great plan for these last days. I am grateful to be part of this family who love and support each other. The great responsibilities and inadequacies that we all feel at times are made easier when we know we have such a strong help and support system we have through family when we need it. God bless you all for that.
Today is Mother's Day, and although you may know that this is not my favorite holiday for reasons I have mentioned before, today has been wonderful because I have taken the time to reflect on all the blessings I have experienced because of being a mom. Sometimes it takes a lifetime before you really realize that it has been the family, especially your children who have brought you an understanding as to what JOY really means. There are a lot of bumps along the way, but they become just little molehills when you reach the end of the parenting journey and the fruits of your efforts begin to appear in the lives your children lead. I feel truly blessed this Mother's Day as my thoughts have been directed toward my sons and daughters all of whom are now parents and can understand what I'm saying. This has truly been a lovely day. And yes, your dad made me the traditional white carnation corsage, brought me breakfast in bed (eggs Benedict, no less), and cooked a wonderful dinner for me (chicken cordon bleu and strawberry shortcake). What a great husband and father he has been! And today I felt the spirit of my mom very close today and I know that she loves me and forgives me even if I did miss her last Mother's Day on earth. I feel at peace.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
My First Birthing Experience
Thoughts of my mother became less painful as I began to focus on preparing for the upcoming birth of my first baby which was now only two months away. Except for frequent bouts with my skin allergy, all had gone well. My thoughts often drifted to wondering whether we would have a girl or a boy (no ultra sounds back then) and what he/she would look like. I imagined this dark-haired, (lots of it) brown-eyed, olive skin baby...like his/her father. As a little girl I had fantasized about marrying an Indian, a real Indian that wore a loin cloth and lived in a tepee. I have no idea where that fantasy came from. But it had been somewhat fulfilled when I married my part Indian, Jim. (Jim's grandmother was Indian) So maybe this vision I had about what my baby should look like was part of the fantasy I had as a child.
I hadn't been too excited by my prenatal care by random military doctors and nurses, (whoever happened to be on duty the day of my appointments), and I had no idea who would be on call when I went into labor. But their services were free. I don't feel that I had been very well prepared for a first-time birth. I really didn't know what to expect. I was a week overdue when I started having what I thought were regular contractions. So I headed off to the ugly, barrack-like hospital on base. Instead of telling me that these contractions were not the "real thing" and sending me home, they just kept me there. It was two days before I started in labor for real. No one had taught me how to minimize the pain and stress by relaxing and breathing techniques, so I was fighting every single contraction. (Maybe those techniques were not even around those days. Who knows?) I think this contributed to twenty-four hours of labor. By the time my baby was born, I was totally "out of it" because of all the drugs I had been given. This was not a great experience.
When my beautiful eight pound, three ounce, twenty-two inch long baby girl was placed in my arms, the bad experience of giving birth was all forgotten. However, when I looked at this blond-haired (what little she had), blue-eyed, white-skinned (not even pink) baby I wondered if somehow babies had been switched in the nursery. This couldn't be my baby. She didn't look anything like what I had pictured in my mind. But then I remembered that there were only two babies in the nursery, so it would have been pretty hard to mix them up. And besides, I had already fallen in love with that beautiful baby in my arms, blond hair and all.
My hospital stay was three days long as was standard in 1955. The worst part of that stay was the meals. No, it wasn't because of lousy food. It was where we had to eat them...in the mess hall with young servicemen. Here we were, in our hospital gowns, carrying our donut pillows given to us to make sitting a little more comfortable because of stitches, walking into a room full of staring, snickering single males. It was embarrassing...no, humiliating. I was so glad when I could take my baby and go home, swearing never to have another baby in a military hospital even if it was free.
We named our little girl Bessie Jean...Bessie after my mother and Jean after the sister-in-law who sacrificed so much to raise Jim in his teen-age years. We knew she would probably hate the old fashioned name, Bessie, or that she may some day be mocked by her peers because the name "Bessie" was often given to cows. So from the very beginning we called her Jeanie. I felt sad that Mother would never know her namesake, at least not in this life. But as I gave it more thought, I felt very strongly that Mom knew Jeanie better than me and I smiled at the thought that maybe she even picked her out to be sent to us because she was such a special spirit. It wouldn't surprise me if Jim's mom was right there, too, using whatever influence she may have had to pick the best. I have since felt that same way about all of the children that have come to us because they all have been so special...and still are. We have been blessed!
So now it was home to face life as a new mother without the help and advice of my experienced mother. Thank heaven for a wonder grandmother who picked up the reins and was there for me whenever I needed a mom.
I hadn't been too excited by my prenatal care by random military doctors and nurses, (whoever happened to be on duty the day of my appointments), and I had no idea who would be on call when I went into labor. But their services were free. I don't feel that I had been very well prepared for a first-time birth. I really didn't know what to expect. I was a week overdue when I started having what I thought were regular contractions. So I headed off to the ugly, barrack-like hospital on base. Instead of telling me that these contractions were not the "real thing" and sending me home, they just kept me there. It was two days before I started in labor for real. No one had taught me how to minimize the pain and stress by relaxing and breathing techniques, so I was fighting every single contraction. (Maybe those techniques were not even around those days. Who knows?) I think this contributed to twenty-four hours of labor. By the time my baby was born, I was totally "out of it" because of all the drugs I had been given. This was not a great experience.
When my beautiful eight pound, three ounce, twenty-two inch long baby girl was placed in my arms, the bad experience of giving birth was all forgotten. However, when I looked at this blond-haired (what little she had), blue-eyed, white-skinned (not even pink) baby I wondered if somehow babies had been switched in the nursery. This couldn't be my baby. She didn't look anything like what I had pictured in my mind. But then I remembered that there were only two babies in the nursery, so it would have been pretty hard to mix them up. And besides, I had already fallen in love with that beautiful baby in my arms, blond hair and all.
My hospital stay was three days long as was standard in 1955. The worst part of that stay was the meals. No, it wasn't because of lousy food. It was where we had to eat them...in the mess hall with young servicemen. Here we were, in our hospital gowns, carrying our donut pillows given to us to make sitting a little more comfortable because of stitches, walking into a room full of staring, snickering single males. It was embarrassing...no, humiliating. I was so glad when I could take my baby and go home, swearing never to have another baby in a military hospital even if it was free.
We named our little girl Bessie Jean...Bessie after my mother and Jean after the sister-in-law who sacrificed so much to raise Jim in his teen-age years. We knew she would probably hate the old fashioned name, Bessie, or that she may some day be mocked by her peers because the name "Bessie" was often given to cows. So from the very beginning we called her Jeanie. I felt sad that Mother would never know her namesake, at least not in this life. But as I gave it more thought, I felt very strongly that Mom knew Jeanie better than me and I smiled at the thought that maybe she even picked her out to be sent to us because she was such a special spirit. It wouldn't surprise me if Jim's mom was right there, too, using whatever influence she may have had to pick the best. I have since felt that same way about all of the children that have come to us because they all have been so special...and still are. We have been blessed!
So now it was home to face life as a new mother without the help and advice of my experienced mother. Thank heaven for a wonder grandmother who picked up the reins and was there for me whenever I needed a mom.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Realizing the Vital Role of Mother
It had only been five short months since my mother had stood in the line at my wedding...only twenty short years that my mother had been part of my life, and a very long two months since I said good-bye for the last time at the airport. I didn't know it would be the last time because I already had in my mind that I would take my newborn to California to see her. I remember her getting on the airplane from a wheelchair with her oxygen tank in tow. She was excited because this would be her first ever flight in a plane, and she hoped that the lower altitude in California would prolong her life a little longer. And we, too, hoped that this would be the case. She so wanted to live at least a few years longer to get J.D. through those difficult teen years. But it was not to be. It was on October 10, 1954, that my dad called to tell me that Mom had passed away. I don't think it was by chance, but by divine intervention that her beloved doctor from Salt Lake just happened to be taking trip to California and stopped by to see her the day that she died. He was there to aid and comfort her. What a blessing. Mom was flown home for the funeral and burial. This was where she was born and spent her life. This was where her family and and life-long friends were. This is where she would have wanted to be laid to rest next to her father and younger brother who had drowned at the age of sixteen.
The next few months are a big blur in my life. Although I was aware of the fragile condition of my mother's health, it had been that way for many years and still, somehow, she had survived to the age of forty-five. But still that is so young to die. Her doctor who spoke at her funeral said that it had only been her strong will to live that had kept her alive ten years longer than he would have predicted. But still the reality of her death failed to "sink in". Are we ever really ready to lose those in our life whom we love so much even though we know it is inevitable? Did I say often enough how much I loved her? Did I express my gratitude for how much he taught me and all that she did for me in spite of being so sick? Did I really empathize with the difficulty of her life? Did I show the resentment that I felt at times because I had to do so much more than my friends to help her out? And what did I do for her on Mother's Day this last year? That haunted me the most because I realized that Mother's Day that year was the same weekend that we were married, and I wasn't even sure I remembered her special day. I don't remember even going to visit her. I've hated Mother's Day ever since because it brings back memories of forgetting my mom on the the last year she was on earth.
I was very concerned at this time for my brother and sister, Georgia. Georgia had only been in Hawaii for two days when she received the news about mom and immediately flew home. She was now in a turmoil as to what to do with her life now that all her plans had been disrupted. She moved in with Grandma Knapp and went back to work. But I really worried about J.D. who had moved into a small apartment with my dad. He was very close to Mom, and I could see the pain he was feeling. This was made worse by the fact that my dad began dating almost immediately after my mom died. I feel that it showed insensitivity to us children and to mom's family even though Mom had always said that she wanted him to marry again after her death. She loved Dad and didn't want him to be alone for the rest of his life knowing that her days were numbered. She even suggested that Teuntje Van de Merwe, a single immigrant from Holland and a close family friend, would make a good wife. But dating her so soon after Mom's death bothered us and I think was devastating to J.D. Teun, as we called her, was a good person and a hard worker, but she had never been married and would now have to take on a teenage son. She, like my dad, had the "Old Country" thinking when it came to raising children...very strict. "Do what I say when I say it and no arguing" was their philosophy, and I knew that would never work with a teenager. Mom had been very good at tempering this kind of attitude in my dad, but now there would be no restraint. I could see real trouble ahead for J.D....and there was.
Christmas came and it was the worst one of my life. I guess I never realized or at least I failed to realize that it was Mom who kept the family close, especially on the holidays. Nobody in the family stepped up to the plate and planned anything. On Christmas Eve I remember going to Grandma Knapp's apartment where my sister was. We just sat together wondering what to do and what to say, and ended up sharing how much we missed Mom and crying together. We tried to locate J.D. and Dad but they were not home. We assumed that they must be with Teun and her friends. What a miserable Christmas he must have been having. I'm not even sure that my dad got him anything that Christmas because once again it was Mom who took care of those things. And I'm sure Dad was a little preoccupied with other things like planning his upcoming marriage in January. That, too, had been a little depressing to all of us. We had tried to talk to Dad about waiting a little while longer, but he could see no reason for waiting. He told us that "This is what Mom wanted so why put it off." He just seemed oblivious to our feelings. Christmas day we spent with Jim's family, and that was a nice diversion from all the pain we were feeling.
Somehow we survived that Christmas with a resolve to never let this happen again. We would make sure that plans would be made to have the next one like Mom would have wanted. But now we would have to face the upcoming wedding with "happy for Dad" faces. Don't get me wrong, Teun was a great person. We really liked her. And we were happy that Dad would now have someone wait on him like he had waited on my mother and the family for all these years. And we knew that Teun would. Dad deserved that. And I truly believed that she loved him and was excited about getting married for the first time. But I know that she had expressed some concern that maybe it was too soon. In that way she was more sensitive than Dad. But my Dad was stubborn and would not listen to her either. So the wedding was on and our concern was now for my little brother.
The next few months are a big blur in my life. Although I was aware of the fragile condition of my mother's health, it had been that way for many years and still, somehow, she had survived to the age of forty-five. But still that is so young to die. Her doctor who spoke at her funeral said that it had only been her strong will to live that had kept her alive ten years longer than he would have predicted. But still the reality of her death failed to "sink in". Are we ever really ready to lose those in our life whom we love so much even though we know it is inevitable? Did I say often enough how much I loved her? Did I express my gratitude for how much he taught me and all that she did for me in spite of being so sick? Did I really empathize with the difficulty of her life? Did I show the resentment that I felt at times because I had to do so much more than my friends to help her out? And what did I do for her on Mother's Day this last year? That haunted me the most because I realized that Mother's Day that year was the same weekend that we were married, and I wasn't even sure I remembered her special day. I don't remember even going to visit her. I've hated Mother's Day ever since because it brings back memories of forgetting my mom on the the last year she was on earth.
I was very concerned at this time for my brother and sister, Georgia. Georgia had only been in Hawaii for two days when she received the news about mom and immediately flew home. She was now in a turmoil as to what to do with her life now that all her plans had been disrupted. She moved in with Grandma Knapp and went back to work. But I really worried about J.D. who had moved into a small apartment with my dad. He was very close to Mom, and I could see the pain he was feeling. This was made worse by the fact that my dad began dating almost immediately after my mom died. I feel that it showed insensitivity to us children and to mom's family even though Mom had always said that she wanted him to marry again after her death. She loved Dad and didn't want him to be alone for the rest of his life knowing that her days were numbered. She even suggested that Teuntje Van de Merwe, a single immigrant from Holland and a close family friend, would make a good wife. But dating her so soon after Mom's death bothered us and I think was devastating to J.D. Teun, as we called her, was a good person and a hard worker, but she had never been married and would now have to take on a teenage son. She, like my dad, had the "Old Country" thinking when it came to raising children...very strict. "Do what I say when I say it and no arguing" was their philosophy, and I knew that would never work with a teenager. Mom had been very good at tempering this kind of attitude in my dad, but now there would be no restraint. I could see real trouble ahead for J.D....and there was.
Christmas came and it was the worst one of my life. I guess I never realized or at least I failed to realize that it was Mom who kept the family close, especially on the holidays. Nobody in the family stepped up to the plate and planned anything. On Christmas Eve I remember going to Grandma Knapp's apartment where my sister was. We just sat together wondering what to do and what to say, and ended up sharing how much we missed Mom and crying together. We tried to locate J.D. and Dad but they were not home. We assumed that they must be with Teun and her friends. What a miserable Christmas he must have been having. I'm not even sure that my dad got him anything that Christmas because once again it was Mom who took care of those things. And I'm sure Dad was a little preoccupied with other things like planning his upcoming marriage in January. That, too, had been a little depressing to all of us. We had tried to talk to Dad about waiting a little while longer, but he could see no reason for waiting. He told us that "This is what Mom wanted so why put it off." He just seemed oblivious to our feelings. Christmas day we spent with Jim's family, and that was a nice diversion from all the pain we were feeling.
Somehow we survived that Christmas with a resolve to never let this happen again. We would make sure that plans would be made to have the next one like Mom would have wanted. But now we would have to face the upcoming wedding with "happy for Dad" faces. Don't get me wrong, Teun was a great person. We really liked her. And we were happy that Dad would now have someone wait on him like he had waited on my mother and the family for all these years. And we knew that Teun would. Dad deserved that. And I truly believed that she loved him and was excited about getting married for the first time. But I know that she had expressed some concern that maybe it was too soon. In that way she was more sensitive than Dad. But my Dad was stubborn and would not listen to her either. So the wedding was on and our concern was now for my little brother.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Life With All Its' Challenges Goes On
Being "first time" pregnant is not easy for anyone, I'm sure. But being in the military made it even more challenging. There wasn't the comfort of a familiar family doctor or ob-gyn. There was just the impersonal and emotionally uninvolved doctor who had probably used the military as a way of financing his medical school and was now just "serving his time". And the medical facilities at the base weren't the greatest, either. I had a lot of questions that I was afraid to ask these young doctors who were never the same from visit to visit. My education on pregnancy and childbirth was pretty limited because that was something even mothers didn't talk much about to their daughters...at least not mine. The only thing I ever remember my mother telling (actually, just showing) me when I was in my early teens, was an article that Life Magazine that showed an actual birth. But the mother was so draped and covered with sheets that it was impossible to even tell where the baby was coming from. Mom didn't explain anything, but just asked if I had any questions. I answered, "no". I would have been too embarrassed to ask the questions that may have been on my mind. End of conversation! Schools didn't do much in the way of sex education or childbirth either, so you could say that I was pretty naive. I understood the basics, but not too many details. As an after thought, I don't think I did a very good job with my girls, either. It takes a generation or two of cultural and custom changes to improve communication of subjects once considered "Taboo". I do remember hearing my father say at one time, "All those things just come naturally. You don't have to worry about them." But I hated those first prenatal trips to the doctors at Hill Field.
Although we made frequently weekend trips to Salt Lake to see family, I never "dumped" on Mom with my personal discomforts or concerns, especially because her health was declining rapidly. I knew she would worry about me and it was all she could handle just to deal with her own challenges. Besides her own health there was concern for my fourteen year old brother, J.D. and my unmarried sister, Georgia, who was struggling with some major decisions in her life. In July, Mom and Dad decided to move to California hoping that the lower altitude with help Mom to breathe easier as she now had to be continually on oxygen. Dad was able to find a printing job in Inglewood, and a duplex was purchased there for them. Claire and her family moved into one side of the duplex to be close enough to help Mom. That was a real sacrifice she made, and I 'm sure Dad was very appreciative. Georgia moved in with Grandma Knapp because she didn't want to move to California, and in October she and a close friend decided to move to Hawaii for a "new adventure". They were hoping to find new jobs and new friends.
I felt really alone and abandoned at this time with all my immediate family moving away. My Grandma Knapp became my surrogate mom, and I found it easier to talk to her than it had been to talk to my mother. I think this may have been because Dad so protected Mom, even from us children for her health's sake. I'm sure that wouldn't have been mother's desire, and I'm sure she wasn't aware how many times Dad told us to "Stay away from Mom", or " Don't bother Mom. She needs her rest. " We did spend time with Jesse and Jean, and that also helped. It was during this time that I learned how to cook Mexican food even though very often on the way home Jim would have to stop the car so I could throw up. Mexican food and pregnancy just didn't mix well for me.
Uncle Ken (my Mom's brother) and Aunt Ina lived in Ogden at the time we were there. Uncle Ken was the administrator of the Dee Memorial Hospital there. They were very good to us, having us to dinner very often. It was Aunt Ina who taught me how to make orange rolls which has become a family favorite and Thanksgiving tradition. Uncle Ken tried to convince us to have out baby at his hospital instead of on base. I really would have like that, but it would have cost us $100 for a three day stay (customary time for childbirth) and that was a lot of money for us. It would cost us nothing at the base hospital. But we kept the idea in the back of our minds.
The next few months seemed to drag on. I was passed the morning sickness, but I wasn't working because I was battling the skin allergies that were worsening. I was back on cortisone cream and bathing in water with powdered oatmeal to help sooth the burning and itching. Treating these kinds of allergies was still kind of experimental. But it was fun looking at baby "things" in the stores, planning for what we would need, and saving money to buy these basic needs. I talked to Mom every week on the phone, and although he never complained, I could tell she wasn't doing so well. I was now five months pregnant, and I could tell she was sad that she would not be able to come and see the new baby when it was born. She loved her grandchildren (Claire now had three children), and I was glad that they were living close by. But I, too, felt sad that she would not be close by when my first child was born. Babies need Grandmas.
It was October 10, 1954, when I received that dreaded phone call from California.
Although we made frequently weekend trips to Salt Lake to see family, I never "dumped" on Mom with my personal discomforts or concerns, especially because her health was declining rapidly. I knew she would worry about me and it was all she could handle just to deal with her own challenges. Besides her own health there was concern for my fourteen year old brother, J.D. and my unmarried sister, Georgia, who was struggling with some major decisions in her life. In July, Mom and Dad decided to move to California hoping that the lower altitude with help Mom to breathe easier as she now had to be continually on oxygen. Dad was able to find a printing job in Inglewood, and a duplex was purchased there for them. Claire and her family moved into one side of the duplex to be close enough to help Mom. That was a real sacrifice she made, and I 'm sure Dad was very appreciative. Georgia moved in with Grandma Knapp because she didn't want to move to California, and in October she and a close friend decided to move to Hawaii for a "new adventure". They were hoping to find new jobs and new friends.
I felt really alone and abandoned at this time with all my immediate family moving away. My Grandma Knapp became my surrogate mom, and I found it easier to talk to her than it had been to talk to my mother. I think this may have been because Dad so protected Mom, even from us children for her health's sake. I'm sure that wouldn't have been mother's desire, and I'm sure she wasn't aware how many times Dad told us to "Stay away from Mom", or " Don't bother Mom. She needs her rest. " We did spend time with Jesse and Jean, and that also helped. It was during this time that I learned how to cook Mexican food even though very often on the way home Jim would have to stop the car so I could throw up. Mexican food and pregnancy just didn't mix well for me.
Uncle Ken (my Mom's brother) and Aunt Ina lived in Ogden at the time we were there. Uncle Ken was the administrator of the Dee Memorial Hospital there. They were very good to us, having us to dinner very often. It was Aunt Ina who taught me how to make orange rolls which has become a family favorite and Thanksgiving tradition. Uncle Ken tried to convince us to have out baby at his hospital instead of on base. I really would have like that, but it would have cost us $100 for a three day stay (customary time for childbirth) and that was a lot of money for us. It would cost us nothing at the base hospital. But we kept the idea in the back of our minds.
The next few months seemed to drag on. I was passed the morning sickness, but I wasn't working because I was battling the skin allergies that were worsening. I was back on cortisone cream and bathing in water with powdered oatmeal to help sooth the burning and itching. Treating these kinds of allergies was still kind of experimental. But it was fun looking at baby "things" in the stores, planning for what we would need, and saving money to buy these basic needs. I talked to Mom every week on the phone, and although he never complained, I could tell she wasn't doing so well. I was now five months pregnant, and I could tell she was sad that she would not be able to come and see the new baby when it was born. She loved her grandchildren (Claire now had three children), and I was glad that they were living close by. But I, too, felt sad that she would not be close by when my first child was born. Babies need Grandmas.
It was October 10, 1954, when I received that dreaded phone call from California.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Up and Down, Up and Down, oooops!
Beginning married life didn't come without challenges. Being there was no "breaking-in" time on a honeymoon we jumped right into a daily routine which began the week following our wedding. For Jim it was up at 6:00 A.M. in order to be at work at the base (Hill Air Force Base) by 7:00. Wanting to be the perfect wife, I, too, was up to fix him breakfast, pack him a lunch, and give him a kiss good-bye. Then it was "What am I going to fix for dinner?" This was one of by biggest concerns before I was even married. I really wasn't sure what Jim really liked, what he really didn't like, or what our limited food budget would permit. When I was living at home, our meals pretty much consisted of easy, inexpensive, and repetitive menus that my mom could prepare. My dad was pretty much a meat and potatoes man, and the meat was usually some form of hamburger. I wanted to impress my new husband with great meals that he would love...a challenge.
Then there was the challenge of laundering Jim's uniforms the way he liked. Most of the time he wore fatigues to work, but when he wore a uniform it had to be pressed military style...sharp creases in the pants and three evenly spaced creases down the back of the shirt. The uniform was made of a thick cotton fabric that was very difficult to iron in the first place. Just getting the wrinkles out was a challenge. But then I used a ruler to get those creases in the shirt just right. Jim has always been very conscientious about his appearance, and I have always been appreciative of that, but I didn't enjoy ironing those uniforms. But I understood that being a staff sergeant in charge of an electronics maintenance shop required him want to present a proper example to those who worked under him.
My next challenge: What to do with all the time I had on my hands alone at home every day. That problem wasn't hard to solve. I began looking for a job. I really didn't have to work because Jim's income was sufficient to pay the bills, especially since we were able to shop the discounted prices at the commissary and our medical care was part of the military benefits. But a little extra money would be nice to purchase some of the "wants" that we had. I found a job at JC Penney's operating an elevator. Yes, back then you couldn't just push a button and the elevator would go up or down and stop at the designated floor. A person actually had to use a hand control to operate the elevator and line it up exactly level with the floor where it stopped. I was paid the minimal wage of $.75 an hour. The job was a little boring and after month of going up and down and jerking at each floor (I was getting better) the constant motion all day long began to get to me and I began feeling sick to my stomach. I fought the feeling day after day by keeping my pocket full of dry crackers which I would try to eat inconspicuously while operating the elevator. The nausea got even worse and after throwing up on the elevator one day, I quit my job. As you have probably guessed by now, it wasn't motion sickness I was suffering; I was pregnant! The next three or four months were not fun for me. I was really sick and tired. Then to top it all off, the change of hormones in my body brought on a major episode of my skin allergies. What a way to begin a marriage!
Through this tough time, Jim was an absolute angel. He was so empathetic with my feeling so bad that he had the same nausea every morning right along with me. Seriously! Sometimes I would tell him that I felt fine when I was about to throw up just to keep him from getting sick. When he would go to work, I would run to the bathroom. Nights were better so we would go to an occasional movie, go for a drive, or just sit on the couch or lie in bed and listen to the radio. Although our apartment came furnished, it did not have television. TV was relatively new and not common in all households. My sister had bought my mom one while I was in college, but I did not have the opportunity to watch it much when I came home. But TV now would have been a nice diversion from listening night after night to: "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. The Shadow knows". This was the famous introductory to the radio show "Shadow". Other shows we listened to were "Gunsmoke", "Dragnet", "Adventures of the Thin Man", "George Burns and Gracie Allen" (not one of our favorites), "The Green Hornet", "The Bing Crosby Show,"etc. We also got a little tired of hearing the same old musical hits of our day, "Open the Door, Richard", "Sh-Boom, Sh-Boom", "Sixteen Tons", "Earth Angel", "Cross Over the Bridge", "I'm Your Hoochie Coochie Man", played over and over on the music station. Soooo, we splurged and made our first major purchase of our marriage, a television set. Now we could watch the shows that made this period of time still called "The Golden Age of Television" or "Vaudeville TV many of the variety shows starred those who had become famous on the vaudeville stage. Now we were able to watch "The Red Skelton Show", "The Jack Benny Show", "Ted Mack's Original Amature Hour", "Arthur Godfrey", "Milton Berle", "Ed Sullivan", "Lawrence Welk", "George Gobel", "Perry Como", etc. I can hear you laughing now. Probably most of you have never even heard of half these people who had shows "way back then". But at least we didn't have to put blocks on any of the channels (all two or three of them), and it was a welcome change from radio. Life was good. We really were excited about becoming a family of three. AND planning meals was becoming easier.
Then there was the challenge of laundering Jim's uniforms the way he liked. Most of the time he wore fatigues to work, but when he wore a uniform it had to be pressed military style...sharp creases in the pants and three evenly spaced creases down the back of the shirt. The uniform was made of a thick cotton fabric that was very difficult to iron in the first place. Just getting the wrinkles out was a challenge. But then I used a ruler to get those creases in the shirt just right. Jim has always been very conscientious about his appearance, and I have always been appreciative of that, but I didn't enjoy ironing those uniforms. But I understood that being a staff sergeant in charge of an electronics maintenance shop required him want to present a proper example to those who worked under him.
My next challenge: What to do with all the time I had on my hands alone at home every day. That problem wasn't hard to solve. I began looking for a job. I really didn't have to work because Jim's income was sufficient to pay the bills, especially since we were able to shop the discounted prices at the commissary and our medical care was part of the military benefits. But a little extra money would be nice to purchase some of the "wants" that we had. I found a job at JC Penney's operating an elevator. Yes, back then you couldn't just push a button and the elevator would go up or down and stop at the designated floor. A person actually had to use a hand control to operate the elevator and line it up exactly level with the floor where it stopped. I was paid the minimal wage of $.75 an hour. The job was a little boring and after month of going up and down and jerking at each floor (I was getting better) the constant motion all day long began to get to me and I began feeling sick to my stomach. I fought the feeling day after day by keeping my pocket full of dry crackers which I would try to eat inconspicuously while operating the elevator. The nausea got even worse and after throwing up on the elevator one day, I quit my job. As you have probably guessed by now, it wasn't motion sickness I was suffering; I was pregnant! The next three or four months were not fun for me. I was really sick and tired. Then to top it all off, the change of hormones in my body brought on a major episode of my skin allergies. What a way to begin a marriage!
Through this tough time, Jim was an absolute angel. He was so empathetic with my feeling so bad that he had the same nausea every morning right along with me. Seriously! Sometimes I would tell him that I felt fine when I was about to throw up just to keep him from getting sick. When he would go to work, I would run to the bathroom. Nights were better so we would go to an occasional movie, go for a drive, or just sit on the couch or lie in bed and listen to the radio. Although our apartment came furnished, it did not have television. TV was relatively new and not common in all households. My sister had bought my mom one while I was in college, but I did not have the opportunity to watch it much when I came home. But TV now would have been a nice diversion from listening night after night to: "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. The Shadow knows". This was the famous introductory to the radio show "Shadow". Other shows we listened to were "Gunsmoke", "Dragnet", "Adventures of the Thin Man", "George Burns and Gracie Allen" (not one of our favorites), "The Green Hornet", "The Bing Crosby Show,"etc. We also got a little tired of hearing the same old musical hits of our day, "Open the Door, Richard", "Sh-Boom, Sh-Boom", "Sixteen Tons", "Earth Angel", "Cross Over the Bridge", "I'm Your Hoochie Coochie Man", played over and over on the music station. Soooo, we splurged and made our first major purchase of our marriage, a television set. Now we could watch the shows that made this period of time still called "The Golden Age of Television" or "Vaudeville TV many of the variety shows starred those who had become famous on the vaudeville stage. Now we were able to watch "The Red Skelton Show", "The Jack Benny Show", "Ted Mack's Original Amature Hour", "Arthur Godfrey", "Milton Berle", "Ed Sullivan", "Lawrence Welk", "George Gobel", "Perry Como", etc. I can hear you laughing now. Probably most of you have never even heard of half these people who had shows "way back then". But at least we didn't have to put blocks on any of the channels (all two or three of them), and it was a welcome change from radio. Life was good. We really were excited about becoming a family of three. AND planning meals was becoming easier.
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