Everybody Loves and Needs a Grandma

I promised in my last blog to write about my most amazing seminary class with some good stories.  However, I'm going to insert another subject here because it kind of relates to that class and how they were involved.

Meet Kitty and Chloe.  They were residents at an assisted care facility in Thousand Oaks.  Our children never had a regular grandma because both my mother and Jim's mother passed away before any of them were born.  Some of the older ones remember Grandma Knapp, my maternal grandmother. She became my surrogate mother and a special grandmother to my children.  But she lived in Utah and we lived in California.  I really wanted them to have a closer relationship with older people.  So one day I went to that care center which they called a convalarium, and asked if there was any residents there that didn't have many visitors.  They directed me to Kitty's room, and I could see why.  She was fun and outgoing and would make a perfect grandma to our children. As I talked to her a while, telling her about my motive for being there - to adopt a grandma for my children.  And in the process, maybe we could help someone who might be lonely and would be willing to adopt a family.

Kitty confided in me that she did have a family who visited her regularly, and wondered why the personnel at the convalarium kept sending her more visitors when there were so many others who would love visitors.  She told us about an older woman in her seventies that never had a visitor.  She had a son whom she lived with in a trailer for a while.  Then one day he drugged her and just dropped her off on the doorstep to that facility.  He didn't bring any of her belongings ... not even her dentures, so she had no teeth to eat with.  I decided to go talk to her.  She was so excited to have a visitor and began talking non-stop.  Her name was Chloe and she was originally from Mona, Utah.   My ears perked up when I heard that because I was raised in Utah, and I knew where Mona was.  And maybe, just maybe she might be a member of the church.  When I brought up that possibility she grinned from ear to ear and began repeating the Articles of Faith.  She told me she was the black sheep of the family and had left home as a teenager and never went back.  She had lived a pretty rough life and felt that there wasn't any future for her ... just loneliness in that convalarium.  We had found our grandmother!

I brought the children to meet Chloe (and Kitty) the next Sunday and every Sunday after.  Although they were a little uncomfortable at first going to a place where there were some mentally ill patients who would be just babbling and sometimes yelling.  Others were just walking around and around the halls in wheelchairs or pushing walkers.  It was a little scary at first for them but soon they would say Hi to everyone they passed other way to Chloe's room.  She loved their visits.  We found out that she loved "bermuda's" (burritos) so we would bring her one when we came.  We would also bring her soft chocolate candy that she could eat.  We found out after a few visits that she had never been out of that facility since her son dropped her off, and he had never come to see her or to call.  We asked if we could take her out for rides or to a restaurant.  They said we could.  They also told us that she had some money that they were holding for her.  Although most of her Social Security money was taken to pay for her room, it was required that they some spending money had to be given to the patient.
Chloe knew nothing about that so she had accumulated a good amount of money.  She was so delighted.  And all the kids loved to go visit every week.  In fact, if for some reason we had to miss a Sunday the kids ... especially the younger ones, really complained. There was a wonderful relationship developing.

A few things we did with or for Chloe: took her shopping for some new clothes, took her to lunch (she alway insisted on paying because "now I have money of my own"), arranged for much needed
cataract surgery (it was paid for by medicare but nobody had taken care of it), took her to our home for special holidays and celebrations, took flowers to brighten up her room and just loved her. There were a few other things that involved my special seminary class.  My next post will continue, as I promised, to explain all the "specialty' of that seminary class which involved Chloe.

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One of the Most Challenging and Rewarding Four Years

Just before high school began in the fall of 1974, (Jeanie was a senior and Debbie a junior) I was called to be an early morning seminary teacher. I had always thought that teachers had to be gospel scholars, members of the CES (Church Educational System) or have some kind of teaching credential. I didn't even come close to any of those descriptions.  My first thought was: "They have to be desperate for teachers this year!"  But since I had never turned down a calling up to now, I reluctantly said yes.  I knew this was going to be extremely difficult since I still had five children at home, and now I would have to get up even earlier very early every single week day.  I felt that 6:00 a.m. was early.  But now I figured that now I would have to be up by ATough4:30 a.m., AND I would have to find time every day to study ... quiet and dedicated study.  Where would that time come from?  It couldn't be late at night when everybody was asleep because I had to get up so early.  It couldn't be during "nap time" because all the children were too old for naps.  The only time I would have was when the children were in school.  Lea, (our youngest) was now in first grade, and I was used to having that time for home duties and "running around" when I needed to.

One of the things that gave me some incentive to give this a try was that Jim and Rochelle would be starting high school and seminary in just another year, and since I would be teaching freshmen, I hoped I would able would to teaching two of my own children.  I would have to do good job for their sakes.  If I could at least make it through these next two years I would be happy.  That two years turned into four and it was one of my favorite assignments ever!  That is when I really learned the Gospel.  During those four years, I taught Book of Mormon,  Old Testament, New Testament, and Church History.  Included in the curriculum was teaching filing systems and beginning a personal file, scripture memorization and competitions, devotional thoughts presented by the students every morning, and teaching leadership skills.  It was quite a challenge having to prepare a lesson every single day while taking care of all the other things required in the curriculum AND a family.

That first year was a time of learning and organizing for me.  I was glad to teach freshmen because I could set the rules and do things my way and my students would believe that this was the "seminary way" in all the classes.  I had observed that by the time students and been in the seminary program for four years with four different instructors, they were not too inclined to be excited and attentive learners.  The first year went ok, but the second year students were a true "dream" class.  Most of the students were eager and excited to be there.  I had some who were extremely intelligent (my son was one of them) and wanted and needed to be challenged.  That was exciting for me, but required more work on my part.  In my next blog I will talk more about this class and what they accomplished.

I'm afraid this blog is a little boring because there are no fun stories to tell here.  The next one will include some stories and experiences with this class.  So stay tuned!

Benefits of Those High School Years.

There were some challenges during those high school years.  However, there were also some benefits.  Starting high school also meant starting early morning seminary (church sponsored religious classes).
Seminary started at 6:00 a.m. which meant getting tired kids up no later than 5:15 a.m., fixing breakfast, (which was often not eaten), packing lunches, and driving them to the church where the classes were held.  Because I had to drive them to school, it was not worth driving home and coming back in forty-five minutes, I just stayed.  For a while there were Institute classes (adult religious classes) held at the same time in the same church, which I would attend.  They didn't last too long because (I think) they were not too well attended, so it wasn't worth an instructor having to get up so early.  So to make use of the time I began walking and listening to tapes that Jim brought home from work on my "Walkman".  What is/was a Walkman? and what tapes did I listen to?

A "Walkman" was a small portable audio tape machine ... remember those small plastic reel to reel tapes and the players you needed to play them?   They came with head phones that could be attached to the player so you could listen while walking or running.  The sound was incredibly wonderful.  I had a lot of music and church talks on tapes to listen to (I still have a bunch of them).  But my favorite ones were a series of tapes Jim used when teaching at his work called
The walking enabled be to exercise every day - something II also used some of that time to begin keeping a journal.  I never had been very good at that and still am not.  But because of things that were happening in my life at that time (I will explain in a later post), I felt prompted and motivated to begin writing.  That writing began after the twins had started seminary.

When as seniors in high school both Jeanie and Debbie were honored as  Conejo Valley debutants.  When the word "debutante" comes to mind we think of "high society"and usually wealthy parents honoring the "coming out" into the society of their eighteen year old female offspring. This was not why debutantes in Thousand Oaks were honored.  They were chosen because of their service to their high school as well as in the community during their high school years.  Grades paid a part as well. They were recognized and honored at a special public program held at a local event center.  Yes, the girls had to wear white long dresses, but not the thousand dollar kind.  That would never have happened in my world.  I believe each of the girls made their own dresses.

By the time Jeanie graduated and went off to BYU, the twins had


            

Boys, Short Skirts, and Jeans, Oh My!

 Jeanie, Debbie, and Kathi were now in high school -  Jeanie a senior, Debbie a junior, and Kathi a freshman, having graduated from middle school as valedictorian.  Although I'm trying to make this blog my life story, this might be a good place to write about several experiences the girls had which affected me as well.  In some cases it was my doing that caused them.

When Jeanie started high school jeans were becoming the common and popular popular style for girls. Yes, that was denim blue jeans which had been worn by boys for years.  The new girl styles had no zipper.  Although girls had been wearing pants and pedal pushers for a while around the house or when working,  I had even been resisting those.  I wanted my girls to dress like girls.  That meant skirts and dresses.  You have to remember that being eighty four years old as I am writing this, puts me in a whole different generation, even in the 70's, when my older girls were in high school.  I finally yielded and let the girls wear dress pants or pant suits to school.  It wasn't long before I yielded to jeans ... only they had to be colored ones, not blue jeans.  (They were making white, red, pink jeans for girls at this time.  They would still wear skirts off and on.  But now if you chose to wear skirts they had to be the mini ones if you wanted to be like your peers.  Mini skirts were above the knee ... quite a bit above the knee.  They were a no no in my home.  You can understand that I was not a very popular mother!  How did the girls deal with a strict mom?  Each of them dealt in a different way ... kind of showing their individuality.  Jeanie, the intellectual one, didn't really care about fashion or conforming to style. Her peer group of friends were other intellectuals known by fellow students as "nerds".  They were happy in their world of math and science.   Clothes were definitely not on their priority list.  Debbie said, "I'm just going to be so nice and friendly to everyone that they won't care what I'm wearing.  Kathi just rolled up her skirts when she got to school.

I was so proud of Jeanie when as a junior (I think) refused to read a book assigned by her English teacher.  She started reading but realized the subject and language of that book was very offensive to her values.  The teacher's response to that declaration was, "You read it or you will fail this class."  You have to understand that grades were very important to Jeanie.  She was working towards a scholarship after graduation.  So far she had a 4.0 GPA.  Before we were even aware of this problem, Jeanie had gone to her counselor to seek redress.  Working with the teacher and the counselor, it was decided that she could not be failed for not reading, but she still would have to take the test on that book and her score would count toward her grade.  She agreed to this decision saying, "I'll just do so well in every other test I take in that class that when the averaged in with that one low grade it won't matter.  And she did!  Reluctantly the teacher had to give her and A in that class.  The great result of this incident was that the school from then on required all English classes to offer an alternative book to the one that had been required for years.  The book she refused to read?  "Catcher on the Rye".  And Jeanie did achieve her goal of graduating as valedictorian.

Of a course with high school come first "boy friends.  Sixteen was the age that we let the girls begin dating.  Jeanie did not date that much.  Her "boy friends" were friends who enjoyed intellectual pursuits, most of whom were boys. Boys were the ones usually into math and science.  Most social events were usually not even their radar ... especially the boys.  Jeanie was, and still is, a beautiful blonde.  So looks was never a problem.  She did have one real boyfriend in high friend who was not from her usual group of friends.  I think it helped her realize there were actually left-brained people in this world who were also very cool.  Debbie and Kathi (also really cute girls) had totally different personalities.  Debbie was very outgoing, friendly, and involved in school and community activities.  Being on the gymnastics team, working in student government, and as a volunteer for a national presidential campaign were just a few of her involvements.  And she was never lacking for dates.  She never did have a serious boyfriend, however.  We were thankful for that.  One of the great traumatic events in her life involved a boy from Woodland Hills.  I don't remember how they met, but this was a very special date that she was so excited about.  She had been invited to "Grad Night" at Disneyland.  The week before she had started to cough a lot and wasn't feeling very well although she would never admit it.  We took her to the doctor the day before the trip.  He diagnosed her with "walking pneumonia" and no way should she be staying out all night in those crowds at Disneyland.  We had to tell her she couldn't go.  As you can imagine, she was devastated.  She spent that night in her room crying.  Dad finally gave her a tranquilizer to calm her down and and to help her "feel better".  Her response was, "I don't want to feel better".  I don't think she has ever gotten over that.  On another date she came home "late" telling us that her date had forgotten his watch so they lost track of time.  Before she left on the next date with the same person, Jim took off his watch and handed it to her date.  I'm sure Debbie was mortified as her date responded, "I have my own watch tonight, Brother Mortensen".  Another time Jim asked a young man where they were going and at what time they would be home.  When he answered they were going to the beach, Jim answered that the returning time was too late for the beach - that there was nothing acceptable to do at the beach after dark.  It is a wonder that any of our girls ever got married.


Kathi was still a freshman at this time but the boys were already lining up waiting for her to turn sixteen.  She was a pretty girl, smart (she had a photographic memory), not focused that much on grades, very athletic and loved to be part of her peer group, even if it meant skipping school now and then.  She signed my name on student information cards (I never saw those cards) so it would match any excuse notes she wrote herself for absences.  I think it was about a year before I "caught on".  I was a little anxious about her becoming dating age, but I knew it would be inevitable.  It would be a continuing custom for quite a while to always set an extra place at the dinner table.  Somehow that would always be the time that the boys showed up to see one of the girls.  I wonder why?  I have to mention one more thing about dating that the girls hated.  Their dad had secret security status at his work which enabled him to do background checks.  When one of the girls started dating someone new, he would look up the name of his parents and check it out (probably illegal).  He would then tell our daughter a lot about his family before they even went out.  They would always ask, "How do you know?"  It was quite a while before they actually found out what he was doing.

Oh the "joys" of parents during those high school years!!!!

"Let's Go Out to Dinner" - The Four P's

Now to get back to where I was before I was prompted to write the last two posts.   Our family had grown to nine with the birth of Lea.  She was about 2 years old, Jon had just started school, the twins were just starting junior high school, and the three older girls were all in high school.  Needless to say I was keeping pretty busy doing what all full-time moms do ... chaffering, cooking, doing laundry, (lots of that), cleaning, packing lots of lunches, helping with homework, planning weekly family home evenings - a top priority (Jim wasn't much help), attending the kid's programs at school, going to parent-teacher conferences, working in the PTA, helping with science projects, canning fruit and vegetables, etc. etc.  Of course there were all the usual teenage "drama" with three girls in high school. Things were a little crazier than normal because of the wide age span between all the children.  Each age has its' own problems and challenges.

Jim was still serving in the bishopric, working hard to support his growing family.  He never wanted me to have to work, and neither did I.  I was willing to sacrifice luxuries and to be frugal with necessities so I could stay home and raise the family.  I felt that that was what God wanted me to do.
So it was of considerable concern when Jim came home after work one night and announced to the family that he had been laid off from his job.  The whole economy was struggling at that time and there were a lot of layoffs going on in the job market.  I was so proud of Jim when he gave us the news with a smile on his face.  He dispelled any doom and gloom among the family members by saying,  "Don't worry.  I'll find a job. Now let's all go out to dinner".  Going out to dinner was a special treat for the kids because we didn't do that very much (maybe McDonalds once in a while).  It was expensive to take our large family to a regular restaurant.  So out we went!

Finding a job was a lot more difficult than Jim expected even though he would really work at it.  He would get up every morning at the same time he was used to to go to work.  He would get dressed as ingoing to work (white shirt and tie ...he was an engineer), read the want ads in the paper circling any possibilities no matter how remote, look on line for any other possibilities, ask anyone he knew in the engineering field to let him know if there were openings they might be aware of and network as much as he could.  Weeks turned into months and it wasn't long before his separation pay was used up ... even though the bishop had asked him to use the money we had to pay the bills and to take church welfare aid for food.  We were very hesitant to do that.  We had always been self-sustaining.  But the bishop said he wanted his ward to see that even ward leaders may need help at times, and that was ok.
It was necessary to eliminate any "luxuries" from our life like trips or vacations, Debbie's dance lessons, movies, dinners out, etc.

After about six months, Jim took a job in Azusa - not an ideal job nor in an ideal location.  It was a two-hour drive from Thousand Oaks - no freeways.  But it once again brought in an income.  Our severance pay had run out.  Jim suffered through those four hours in the car every day while still looking for a better job.  It was real torture for him for the next four months.  Then his persistence and prayer paid off when he was able to get a job at Litton in Woodland Hills just twenty minutes away.  God does give us trials AND blessings,  The lessons learned during this trial were: positive attitude (dinner out), patience, persistence, prayers answered - the four "P's.

The Savior's Hand in my Life

It has taken a lifetime and a huge amount of hind sight to see how and when the Lord has been there to teach, to give me experience, to help me do difficult things, and support me when I was ready to just give up.  It has been since I began reviewing and reflecting on my life that I began to see a pattern of personal progression that directly related to my prayers for help, my making a concerted effort to draw closer to the Savior, to listen to promptings from the Holy Ghost, and to the many assignments and "callings" I have received over the years.  It has taken all these years to put he pieces of this puzzle together to see the picture of my life ... what my purpose in this life has been, and how Christ helped me realize that my disability was not who I was or who I could become.  Following are some of these puzzle pieces I finally put all together.

Prayers answered when I was a child

I learned at a young age that Heavenly Father was real ...  that he did hear and answer prayers.

So when I wasn't sure if I were marrying Jim for the right reason, God answered my prayer by

confirming that choice.  He knew whom I would need as a life long companion because he knew jim would be faithful through a difficult relationship.  He knew me.  He knew Jim.

Choosing Jim Mortensen to be my eternal companion

Why was this so important?  I'll explain.  Before I was married, I had not received a diagnosis of clinical depression.  I had had a lot of symptoms but thought that I was only "different" from others my age.  I guess I would have have been classified as a "nerd" back then.  I was intelligent but I really didn't recognize that.  I was expected to do well in school, and I tried to live up to that expectation.  I didn't have many friends and hardly any dates through High school.  I had low self esteem. It was hard for me to relate to people, and I always felt that no one could ever love me.  I felt unlovable.  When Jim showed an interest in me in high school and again when he graduated I first felt that this would be my only chance to be married.  Over the next few years I fell in love ... real love mostly through our letters while he was over seas in the Air Force.  We were married when he came home.  Why was this so important to me?  Because for the first time I felt loved!  (except from my parents)  The story of how we first met was in itself an unlikely occurrence, so I knew it had to be with divine intervention.  And even more important was the fact that Jim has always so loving and committed to me that he stuck with me during all those years when my depression would show its' ugly symptoms.  I honestly think that there are very few men who could live 64 years with any woman who had episodes of depression  that were many times directed at him.  He was one of those few.  And I still feel loved to this day.  God has guided us through this marriage, and I 'm looking forward to eternity with him when the depression will be gone.

God's faith and trust in me, in spite of my major disability, by placing eight of His precious children in my care with the responsibility of helping them be prepared to return home to Him
It was on a trip with five our children when we stopped at hotel kind of late in the evening to get something to eat.  The hotel was the only place in town that we could find a restaurant that was still  open.  We were all eating when we noticed as couple at another table watching us.  I looked at all the children to make sure they weren't doing something weird or gross as children can sometimes do while eating.  To my surprise, they were actually being very civil ... and relatively quiet.   I guess they were a little tired.  Anyway, as the couple were walking out they stopped by our table and said:  "What beautiful children.  And they are so well behaved".  I swallowed hard and said, "Thank you".  Immediately after that there came a voice in my mind that said: "This is your earthly mission ... to raise an exemplary family".  That word "exemplary" stood out to me.  What did that mean? I knew from that day on what I was put here on earth to do.  And I knew I was going to need help.  God knew it, too, because He knew of the problems I would continue to have even if I didn't at that time. So the rest of my life, as you will see, He was there to tutor and prepare me for that task.  I knew I would have to somehow control or hide all those dark feelings and negative impulses I would have at times from the children.  I wanted them to only see a happy mom who loved, taught and cared for them.  That was my life!

My calls to serve in a number of different "callings" over the years which I now know were inspired. 
You might notice how these assignments, which I reluctantly accepted, became my schooling and therapy to help me overcome, or just deal with, my many negative feelings and actions when depression would set in.  Can you see what the different experiences (actually they were opportunities) required of me?  Each one forced me to take another step forward.  These callings, was I have said, were my therapy,  my schooling.  I'm sure if you had been in my shoes you could imagine how each one in could help you overcome those negative symptoms I listed in the last post.  These are the callings I have had over the years (those that I can remember):

• Sunday School teacher - 5 yr. old children (Primary was during the week)
• Counselor in Young Women's organization (very short time)
• Primary teacher 9 yr. old girls (Merrie Miss)
• Primary teacher - 3 year old (Sunbeams)
• Primary chorister _ No, I wasn't a musician, but I could read music
• Primary teacher - 11 yr. old boys
• Relief Society teacher - Literature, Theology, Spiritual Living
• Primary President
• Stake Primary scout leader
• Relief Society counselor - three different times
• Early morning seminary teacher - 5 years
• Admissions Advisor for BYU - southern California
• Relief Society president
• Stake Relief Society president
• Two year mission with my husband to Moorpark Institute of Religion
• Visiting Teacher (ministering) for over fifty years
• Young Women's secretary when I was 75 years old.  I have to laugh at this one because I had said numerous times that the one calling I never ever wanted was to be a secretary ... of anything.  Well, I think the Lord must have thought, "You aren't going to get out of this world without the experience of being a secretary.  I'll bet He was laughing, too.

Was I "cured" of clinical depression?  No.  I still struggle with it almost every day - maybe even a little more often than in earlier years.  Maybe that is because  I have less distractions in my life to focus and work on.  But all these experiences in my life have taught me these important truths:

1. I know I am loved.
2. I  know I have worth, talents, and capabilities.
3. I have less fears in social situations - can communicate intelligibly though with some anxiety still.
4. I can be a leader if I surround myself with strong and capable people whom I can depend on if or when some of those depressive tendencies creep up on me.
5. I am good at organizing, but still struggle with implementing my plans without help.
6. I usually can control or change my feelings of sadness, irritability or anger.  But they do sneak up on me from time to time.  (I'm afraid Jim takes the brunt of things when it happens).  But he has learned SO well how to be kind and forgiving when it happens.  He has learned to say, "I know this isn't you.  It's the depression.
7. I still have trouble with thinking clearly, concentrating, and forgetfulness, but I blame those things on old age.
8. I do not have thoughts of suicide, but God knows I am ready to die whenever He feels it is my time.  I have no fear of death.
9. I still have sleeping problems, but now I don't think it is because of depression.  I just  had a sleep study which I hope will identify the causes.  (No results, yet).
10. I accept my weakness and shortcomings without guilt.  I just repent and keep working.

All in all, I accept who I am while still trying to become better for as long as I live.  I am proud of all my children and what they have become.  I feel I can meet my Savior and report with all sincerity that I have accomplished my mission.  Jim and I have raised an "exemplary" family.  I am now looking forward to eternity with my sweetheart, surrounded by those whom I love so much.

Weak Things Can Become Strengths

I don't even know how to begin this post.  When (and if) you ever read this you will wonder why I am departing from the continuity of my l last post.  All I can tell you is that I have been having this constant feeling ever since I was prompted to go back to writing.  That feeling was regarding what my next blog should be.  I just kept ignoring it because it didn't make sense to me why I should put the discovery of how the Savior has worked in my life in the middle of my life's story.  I intended to use this near the end.  After writing the last three posts, that feeling became even stronger ... " Write that experience  NOW!"   Maybe I will never get to the end of my history in this blog, and God wants my personal testimony written down.  Maybe my eyesight will fail even more.  Maybe my brain will complete go to pot.  Or maybe it will be my hands that will fail me.  They already don't want to do what I want some of the time.  I never was a great typist and if I lose more of my limited ability I may not be able type in the short future.  Whatever the reason, I will listen to the Spirit and and do what He "says". So here goes:

This experience has been a part of my life beginning in my early thirties. That was when I began wondering why I felt depressed quite frequently.  I am aware that everyone gets depressed off and on in their lives brought on by a traumatic event, discouragement, or just plain stress.  I wasn't too concerned at the time because it would go away after a few days.  When it would happen I'd try to think of some reason why I felt depressed, but most of the time I couldn't think of anything.  So I just went on with my life, trying to keep a smile on my face, doing all my daily chores as best I could and trying to hide my feelings from the children.  This went on for quite a while until the episodes would last longer and be more frequent.

I decided to get an appointment with our family doctor, Dr. Fingerle, whom I really loved and trusted.    I had been hearing of a new antidepressant drug called prozac and hoped that it might help me.  Dr. Fingerle gave me a prescription which I took faithfully for a month (or maybe longer).  I felt no change in my feelings.  Thinking this was the only drug available for depression I figured there was nothing else I could do.  Remember that was over 50 years ago when mental health was seldom even discussed and if it was it would be with feelings of guilt or embarrassment.  I got pretty good at holding everything in, putting on my "happy face" in spite of what I was feeling and waiting until I was alone to "lose it" which meant doing a lot of crying.

Fast forward about 30 years when my daughter was having some major trauma in her life and had a near "breakdown".  She was smart enough to see a psychiatrist who gave her some medication called zoloft which really helped her.   Knowing that I had been suffering for years from depression she talked me into seeing Dr. Azad, the psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed with clinical depression which is a major depressive disorder.  You don't just "snap out" of this kind of depression.  I found out that there are many different medications for depression available.  But there is no test to see what works for you.  It is by trial and error to find the right one.  After a number of trials they finally came up with one that worked for me.  I could really tell a difference when I took that medication.  I have been on it ever since.  I have also attended counseling on and off when I had bad episodes and needed extra help.

I just want to list the symptoms which occur most of the day,  nearly every day when you have one of these "down" episodes just so you know what I have had to go through many times.

• feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
• angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration, even over small matters
• loss of interest or pleasure in most normal activities
• sleep disturbances
• tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• reduced appetite or increased cravings 
• anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• slowed thinking
• feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things
• frequent or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
• physical problems (back pain, headaches)

Fortunately these kind of episodes have become less and less and last only a day or two instead of weeks.  Definitely the pills and the counseling have helped a lot.  I now know strategies that help me either eliminate or get through these episodes.  Depression can have a genetic disposition.  It seems to have affected a number of my family.  Maybe that is one reason for being prompted to write this post.  But a second reason may be how this "weakness" has affected my own life and how the Savior has intervened to help this weakness become a strength.  One of my favorite scriptures is found in the book of Ether in the Book of Mormon.  Quote: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;
and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I know now why I have loved that scripture for  such a long time. I'm ending this post here because it is getting so long.  My next post will continue on by telling just how the Lord taught and prepared me to have a productive and happier life in spite of this major disability.  So tune in!